Old and 80's

You know how they say that the days pass really slowly but the years fly by? (I am sure they say it even outside of Israel, because Google recognised it, but if not then - it sounds better in Hebrew!), surprisingly enough it's true. As I sit here with my windows open (let me just say this - we're finally in the double digits! And sunshine!) and pretend to do serious work while actually playing Candy Crush on my computer, I see all those young mums and their very young babies playing outside on the lawn and feel ancient. Ron is 8 this Sunday. Yon is 4 in two months time. I am at the end of the last school year in which I have a child at home around noon. I no longer have babies or toddlers. I have time to myself most afternoons. It's been a hell of a ride these past 8 years. I've been a student mum, a working mum, a stay-at-home mum, a self-employed mum; we've moved 3 countries; we've had to deal with so many things over these years. Yes, when I look at these new mums I only feel one thing - old. I guess it doesn't help that my birthday is in 3 weeks, but it's not that, it's the not-belonging I think. 

I can make excuses for myself about it, but the truth is I don't do groups. I am not good in belonging. I've never belonged to anything, never had a reference group, never did the expected thing. 

Those new mums out in the garden are probably around my age, they should be my reference group, and yet they are not. They are too new at this, and I am too old. While writing this blog I look around so many sites and blogs about parenthood, about stay-at-home mums, about raising kids today; and what I found was that the trend today is to write semi-humorous posts that basically blame the kids for the way the mum's (or dad's. The trend does not discriminate) life turned out to be. Truth is, I got really angry and I really really wanted to write a scathing post about responsibility, parenthood, and the connection between the two. I even started writing it. But then I stopped, not because I think the trend is right, not because I think I'm wrong, but because I couldn't remember. You see, I don't really remember the sleepless nights (Hidai is in charge of nights anyway so I didn't have many in all these years), I don't remember how it was like to be in the battle to survive each day with a baby who doesn't like sleeping during the day but likes crying; I don't remember the inability to leave the house, or the periods where you have to leave the house or someone would...; I don't remember what it's like to have a baby at home who needs undivided and full attention all day; I just don't remember the beginning anymore. My kids are on the verge, my life is changing. I don't belong in this trendy club, so even if I do think people are taking this new trend of admitting the difficulties a tad too far and hiding things that should not be said or done behind the curtain of "humor", it is just not my life anymore. I am giving back my membership in the babies/toddlers club. I am crossing over to the middle years, the ones that teaches you the difference between taking your kids love, smiles, adoration for granted and appreciating every minute they give you, every kiss, every hug, every minute of homework, of school plays, of listening to what you have to say. You see, the last 8 years didn't teach me patience, they didn't teach me calmness, they didn't teach me restraint. They did however taught me two things - that the years fly by, and that good enough is indeed, good enough.   

Kids having fun without me :)

The main problem is, I rarely feel good enough. Especially at this precise moment, when I once again yelled at my kids because they haven't stopped bickering since Ron came home from school. And the only thing keeping me away from the chocolate drawer is that we actually have no chocolate in the house at the moment. A problem that would be rectified tomorrow when the shopping arrive. If indeed tomorrow will ever come.

Oh, the joys of parenthood... You start your post all optimistic and end it with two annoying little monsters and the yearning for an early evening. Gotta love it.

Yon and I walked home and found this purple tree in the middle of the street

If I am totally honest, these ups and downs are currently a constant in our life. It seems like we are on a fast moving swing - one moment you are up, the next down. If I'm being brutally honest here, it's a pretty accurate description of our life in any given moment. Life in our home is never quiet, and "this week" is always a tough one. Might have a connection to the fact that we forgo the ridiculous ban on baking, and for the weekend had honey & pecan cookies and peanut butter cookies. The only problem was that we had to fight the kids for them.

Hidai and the cookies we managed to wrestle away from the kids

It is definitely connected to the fact that on Saturday I announced that we are in need of a new theme song. Yes, we have theme songs (more about this little embarrassing fact in my 2012 recap). Yet it suddenly dawned on me that we don't have one right now, and the ones we had before moving here no longer feel right. This discovery sent the entire house into shock, and the result was that we spent an entire evening searching for songs. Ron's suggestion was Yellow Submarine, which he sang in class last week and was chosen for "song of the week". Yon suggested Alive (Pearl Jam's, to the delight of Hidai). Both were vetoed, but still appreciated, unlike Hidai's Baker St. (Foo Fighters cover). What we ended up doing (and that is a bit more embarrassing to admit) is adding a ton of 80's songs to our music collection. Still don't have a theme song, but we revived the 80's.