Freedom and hope

When I was a really young mum (and also very young) the one sentence I hated most (fine, fine, maybe not most, but it was definitely top five. I really had lots of issues then) was "enjoy every day, because time goes by so fast". Well, let me tell you the truth - it didn't. It moved, as time usually moves - in slow, agonisingly slow motion. Each hour dragging on for days, each day into months. I felt each and every moments of those early years, and I can't look back and say that enjoyment was what comes to mind as first thought. Like I said, I had issues. But when my tiny baby looked up at me and said - It's less than a month to my birthday, here is my wish-list. Do you need me to go over it with you? - I got what those well-meaning souls were talking about. My baby is nine in less than a month (and yes, I did need some explaining on the list). Two months after that my teeny tiny baby is five. And I have no idea where the time has gone.

My babies at the library

We have a long standing discussion with my parents about what the most important thing in life is, and for us it's always been time. You can't turn back the clock and you can't bring back even one minute you lost. Time, in many regards, is the one thing money can't buy. And lately it has been slipping through my fingers.

Life around here at the moment is not what you might call... Good. Actually it's rather rubbish. We are having some issues with Hidai's work, and with him being the only one actually in charge of putting money in the bank (I know it's a shocker but blogging really isn't the high paying job the rumours say it is) it has put a strain on the last couple of months. I did not react well. I like to think that people who don't know me very well think I am one of those composed and very much together people. One of those people who deal with every bump and disaster in a calm, collected and casual manner. I like to think that because in reality I am not one of those people at all. I am one of those have an anxiety attack, cry in the bathroom, and don't leave the house people. When the going get tough, and it's time for the tough to get going, I sit under a table with a box of chocolates. I know it's pathetic, and it is also why I haven't written in three weeks. I couldn't read or write or talk to anyone (I really am sorry, all the people I've ignored). I didn't bake or knit or even took photos. I wasn't on my computer other than to play Candy Crush. Things got so bad I didn't even manage to keep the laundry schedule. I couldn't tell you what was going on, because honestly I didn't think anyone would care. After all, I have already written about my anxiety attack once, and how much self-pity can anyone really stand? And if I am completely honest here, the main reason I didn't write is because I was, and still am, ashamed. I am so very very ashamed that I fell apart. I should have reacted better, I should have been stronger, I should have weathered the storm. I didn't, and still don't. But I figured after three weeks of not writing or communicating with anyone the only readers I have left are my parents, who already know all that so writing it makes no difference.

depression chocolate doesn't have to be bad chocolate

In order to write something coherent I have been sitting here for the last few hours trying to piece together the last couple of months, and all I get is a blur of Candy Crush, chocolate and tears. And it makes me angry, and even more ashamed. Because I've lost time. I've lost two months to oblivion and fear. I have lost holidays, birthdays, friends, time with the kids. I have let fear and anxiety and depression rule my life.

Hidai's birthday was shockingly bad

And I am more ashamed still, because I have no idea how to climb out of the black hole in which I find myself. I am not sure I am strong enough. And I feel small and sad and pathetic. I know it could be worse, I know that for a lot of people it is. I know the thought of the prospect of Hidai having no job for awhile shouldn't reduce me to this, and it makes me even more pathetic. So I decided to write, because no one will read anyway, and because to me it is a nightmare with one shoe dropping after the other and no breathing space, and because there are many shades of black, and this is mine.
Today is Passover Eve. Passover is one of the biggest holidays for Jewish people (and even has the movie - Prince of Egypt - to prove it). It is not one of my favourite holidays (the food isn't all that great with the whole "no flour" thing), but this year it makes me sad. It makes me sad and lonely that we are all alone, that I can't cook or bake (thanks to the fact that my hands are in a very bad shape. Because when it rains it pours), that I have lost another moment I shouldn't have.
Passover has a whole biblical story, as any serious holiday should, and obviously someone tried to kill the Jews, as in every single one of our holidays, and it is the one holiday where you really can't make the story child-friendly no matter how much you try (too many dead and abandoned kids in there). But it also has one of the most important messages, if not the most important, of all our holidays. Because Passover is all about escaping slavery. Of every type. For me, it's a slavery to my demons, to my fears and anxiety.
Passover is about freedom and hope. The two things I need more than anything right now, and the two things I just can't seem to reach.
We won't be having a proper Passover dinner this year, I could't bring myself to do that, both physically and mentally (think Christmas-meal size of dinner, than double it). But I figured baby steps are better than no steps, and bought some chocolate and wine.
So happy Passover everyone, here is to freedom and hope.
And to believing that miracles can really happen.

Picture from Here

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Happy Hannukah - Expat Holidays

Yesterday was the first day of Hannukah. It is, by far, my preferred Jewish holiday. Well, how can you not like a holiday that demands you eat doughnuts for eight days? True, by the end of it we all look somewhat like a doughnut - rounder around the middle and full of jam - but it's more than that. Contrary to what people outside of Israel think, Hannukah isn't really one of the biggest or most important holidays for Jewish people. In fact, it is one of those tiny niche holidays reserved solely for children, I mean you don't even get days off work for it! But Hannukah has been my favourite holiday for many years, so I make a very big effort to celebrate it even now, after we've lost so many of our other holidays.

I've talked to so many immigrants over these last four years and they all said the same thing - celebrating a holiday that does not belong to the country you live in is hard, in fact sometimes it feels almost impossible. You never give it any thought when you're in your home-country, but so much of celebrating a holiday is about family and togetherness and the community - the feel in the air that washes over everything before a holiday arrives. Maybe it's part of the reason we like Christmas so much - that need to belong, to be able to feel that holiday spirit once more. When we left Israel, it was just after Hannukah of 2009, and to be honest we revelled in the freedom of not having to celebrate anything belonging to any location or religion. With all my love for holidays, big gatherings have never been my thing, holidays in Israel make me into a bundle of nerves and I guess we needed to rebel a little bit.
Though that rebellion was short lived, it did teach me something. Living so far away gives you options. You can get rid of everything you don't like or don't approve of. There is something about that distance from everything you knew that makes you examine your life in a different way. A way that actually strips it all down to the basics - what in the traditions you grew up on is really important to you? What do you want your children to know? You can pick and choose. That's the good part. The bad part is that after you picked, then comes the reality of just how hard it is to actually celebrate what you chose. I guess that is why a lot of people choose to live in closed communities, or send their children to religious schools - to give them more of the tradition than we can, to give them more of that sense of community, of belongingness than we can do here. We are not religious people, nor are we really the community types, so we live here, where you don't hear Hebrew on the streets, and there's nowhere to buy good Hummus. But it does mean that we can't give our children a "real holiday" like it's traditionally done,
but then again do we really want to?

Over the last four years we picked and we chose and we made an eclectic list of holidays and traditions that more than anything else, makes us happy (one of the main conditions to being on that list is having a food. A holiday with no food is not a real holiday in my book). And at the very top of that list is Hannukah, because it's in the middle of winter, when you really need a reason to celebrate, because it has such great food, because it's a children's holiday. Just like Christmas I guess, it gets a whole new meaning and dimension when you have children. As an adult it feels somewhat idiotic to light a few candles and sing some songs no one understands. With children, oh with children it lights up the whole house - you have three menorahs, dreidels, doughnuts, latkes, music, laughter. With children it's a real celebration.

But the real reason it's my favourite holiday is because it has a story, a moral if you want, that resonates with me. Mainly because I'm into big-important-sappy morals, but also because it really is the way we try to raise our children. And so I love Hannukah because I love telling them the stories and meaning the holiday has for me - it's not the traditional way, nor is it what you hear in Israel, because for me Hannukah is far more than the story about who tried to kill the Jews this time. When you get down to the basics, it's not about Jews or any other specific religion, it's about the belief that you fight for what's right. It's about not standing on the sidelines when there's an injustice. It's about the fact that one tiny candle can light up the entire darkness. And most of all it's about the freedom to be who you are and believe in whatever you choose.

I choose to celebrate Hannukah with as much resemblance to the way it's done in Israel. Some of it is my wish to keep some of my tradition alive and build a connection with my children that will be lost otherwise, and some of it I guess is a  defiance against the Christmasing of Hannukah - we don't have a Hannukah bush, we don't give eight presents (or any presents for that matter. We go with the traditional chocolate coins), we don't have Hannukah cookies houses, or any other Christmas elements in our Hannukah. Because we save all that for Christmas.

For me, holidays are always more secular than religious, they are more the meaning you give them than the traditional one, they are more about connections and family and belonging, and more than anything else - they are about love and laughter. 

And there is no better way to get all that than with a doughnut and candles. 

Happy Hannukah everyone!

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The question

Every parent has a list of questions that he doesn't really want to answer. I guess it's different to every family, but there are some common ones - where do babies come from, what happens when you die, why are there poor people, why are there wars in the world, am I going to die, why do I have to clean my room? I am in charge of answering most of these questions, except the babies / private parts / changes as a man things. After all, answering these kind of questions is one of my main reasons for keeping his dad around. Ron had a tendency to ask these questions at the worst timing possible, like when you are in a rush to get everyone ready in those morning when you are already late to school, or when it's past his bedtime, or when you have to answer a really important email. Those are the times he gets the "great question ask it again in 2 to 10 hours please" kind of answer. So we started working with him on the whole "when to talk and when to shut up" etiquette of life (also related to sayings like "I knew nobody will clean this house" or "You did not buy milk? Again?" that were frequent in our house a few weeks back, but are not relevant to the point if this post). Apparently we were successful as we now get these questions at dinnertime, when we can choke on our food while trying to come up with a good answer to the question what is racism.

Not last night, but still pizza

Last night, while we were eating pizza and talking bake-off (it was the finale after all), he asked me the question I was dreading most in the world. I can deal with death, I stumbled my way through racism, I preached about God, but I really really wasn't ready to answer this one - Does Santa exist?
Ron is not the most imaginative child out there, and last year I already had a tiny suspicion that he really doesn't believe in Santa anymore, but I did not ask him directly and somehow managed to convince him that mummy is Santa's elf and that is why I am in charge of everyone's gifts. But it is this time of year again, and the Christmas talks have already began, the Christmas catalogues are making their way to our house, and the stores are filling up with Christmas merchandise. I always knew this day would come, but I always figured it will be later, that I still have some years to enjoy the real Christmas feel, the joy of magic and Santa and carrots for reindeers. When he was younger I thought that I will tell him that yes, of course Santa exist, as in - lie to my child. Yes, I know it isn't the right thing to do, especially when you teach your children that lying is bad, but I really thought that it's the right way to go here, because I really do want to stretch this innocence and childhood phase for as long as I can. I believe that you should believe in Santa, that 8 isn't the age to burst their bubble, that children should stay oblivious to the bad things in life for as long as they can. But like I said, that was when Ron was younger and I thought I had all the answers.

That's me in my elf-costume. Very believable, I know!

About a month ago my friend told me that her daughter was told that there is no Santa by some other child, in a very malicious way, and that she is really upset and feel like she has lost Christmas. My friend said her daughter came to her and asked her if it's true that there is no Santa. She said yes. What else could she have done in this case? I have no idea. It is such a tough call to make in a situation like this, but it got me thinking about how I really don't want Ron to experience that loss of Christmas, and on the other hand I really want him to believe in magic. He is at the transition stage of starting to care what others think of him, of wanting to be like everyone else. It is a glimpse both to the future and his teenage years, and both to the past and my teenage years. Last week they had music-class and the teacher asked each of them if they know another language beside English (most of them do) and if they can say something, I think it was "you're welcome" in their other language. Ron wouldn't. He is the only Jewish / Israeli child in his school (well, now he has Yon so they are two, but you know what I mean) and he felt too embarrassed to say it, he was afraid kids would laugh at him, that they wouldn't like his language, that they would think he is weird. It didn't help that I reminded him that a lot of his classmates are "the only child from...", he still wouldn't. After that came the school decision to celebrate all the different religions and holidays that the kids in our school have around this time of year. I think it's a lovely idea, but he doesn't. You see, we have Hannukah in December, which is my favourite holiday (we get to eat doughnuts for eight days in a row because we have to. How can you not love it?) and the holiday most non-Jewish people recognise. But like I said, he is the only Jewish child in school (no, it did not help when I said that Yon is there too. Neither did it help to remind him that the head teacher is Jewish). This is not his decision to make, but he did say he doesn't want us volunteering to help with anything and embarrassing him.

Hannukah (last year)

This is why it surprised me to no end, and also my amazing achievement for this week, that he came home and declared that he is going to audition for the Christmas play in school. They are doing The Wizard of Oz, in front of the whole school and parents. And not only that, for the first auditions they had to practice a dialogue between Dorothy and the Scarecrow, so they were divided into pairs, and as it turned out, he had to do Dorothy's part. And he did. He practiced his lines every day (with our help - I was the scarecrow and Yon was Toto), learned them by heart and passed his audition with flying colours. On Monday they were told that those who past the first audition had to do a second audition (or in Ron's words - Just like in the X-Factor!). This time he was the scarecrow, and they had to act the scene of meeting the wizard, from where the stage will be, while everyone were watching them. He did. I don't know if he passed or not, he is supposed to get the answer today. But that is not the point of it, the point was that he wanted to be part of something that will put him in the spotlight, and that others can make fun of, and that will make him "different". I am very proud of him (and obviously told him so), because it really doesn't matter what the result will be, it matters that he went for it and did his best (he is so cute when he is acting...).
And as for Santa, I told him that I know some of the kids in his class are saying that there is no Santa, and I know he is getting older and it can be "childish" or "embarrassing" to say out loud that you believe in magic, or in Santa. But the truth is that it is a belief, and beliefs are personal, they are to be kept in your heart alone. You can choose to believe that Santa exist, you can choose to believe that he doesn't. I choose to believe he does. You don't have to tell us or anyone else what you believe in, and furthermore you can say "ha ha, I know he doesn't exist" when deep inside you really do believe he exist. And that Christmas is that much more fun and magical if you choose to believe.

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Happy (Jewish) new year

Ever had a holiday that baffled you? That you just couldn't decide how you feel about? Do you like it? Do you hate it? Do you want to celebrate it? Do you just want to ignore it? This is the problem I have with Rosh Hashanah, (Jewish New Year for all my non Jewish readers). Every year it is the same, except it is getting worse. September arrives and I feel lost, and am left with one nagging question - is there a way to justify celebrating Rosh Hashanah outside of Israel? What is left of one of the biggest Jewish & Israeli holidays when you leave Israel? When you reside in a non Jewish borough? When year after year you sit alone at the holiday table? And on the other hand, how can we not celebrate one of our biggest holidays? How can we abandon our traditions just because we live somewhere else? and if we do, what will be left of us, of our identity?
Well, I spent the whole day yesterday thinking about it, what do I do? This year my parents are coming over from Israel for a month long visit, and they will be here on Rosh Hashanah for the first time in years, so it is a bit different than previous years and we can celebrate the holiday as it is supposed to be, but on the other hand I feel so tired and stressed and to be honest I just don't have the energy to do the whole extravagant meal thing. My life is so hectic right now, so full of stress and uncertainties. I am tired of chasing things and places I no longer have. About a week ago one of my blogging friends wrote a post about something that required her to go back to somewhere she moved on from, and I told her my life philosophy is "never go back". So why am I trying to go back to celebrating holidays that somehow no longer feel like they belong to me?

Traditional Ron, 2008

I couldn't make up my mind what to do, and it even messed up with my baking. And nobody touches my baking. It is my safe heaven, my thing. So Hidai suggested I do a list, because everyone loves a list, to clear out my mind, and put it in writing - the on the one hand/on the other hand, the pros and cons, the yay and nay of Rosh Hashanah.
First of all, the calendar thing, I mean we live according to the Gregorian calendar, even in Israel, unless you are very religious you do, I won't be able to tell you the Jewish date of my birthday, of my wedding, of my kids' birthdays, of today (to be honest, it takes me about four months to accept the change of year anyway so remembering two calendars is just too much). But the holidays are all according to the Jewish calendar. And that is why they keep moving, and every ear we play our favourite game "find the holiday" where we all sit around the Google calendar and start searching for all the holidays. The winner gets a sticker - holiday ace. And that is why the New Year starts at September. Let's talk about that for a second - who in their right mind wants to celebrate the new year in September? At the beginning of autumn? When everything is grey, the weather is getting colder, the days are getting shorter, and the leaves are starting to fall down? What exactly are you trying to say here? May your new year be grey and miserable? On the other hand, you have to remember in Israel it is the summer that is the harshest season and not the winter. Autumn is also the time when you plant new crops and start the new cycle, it is the start of the new school year, it is a time of hope and excitement in the life of children and parents, and as such it makes absolute sense to celebrate the start of a new year in September. In Israel it is a big holiday, you get that holiday feel in the air, and it is contagious. Here it is on Wednesday. Just a regular Wednesday, the day before Ron starts school, my parents are arriving that night, Hidai is working. The only thing in the air around here is stress. And apparently a stomach-bug.
Then you have the traditions, because I can hear you all out there (or maybe it's the voices inside my head) with the judgemental - but don't you care that your kids don't know the traditions you grew up on? Their Jewish traditions? Don't you care that your kids won't know? Won't have the same memories? It is a complicated subject, that the short answer to is - no, I don't. If I wanted my kids to grow up like me I wouldn't have left. The longer answer to that same question is - yes, of course it makes me sad to see a photo of my beautiful nephew celebrating the Shabbat (Saturday) in nursery in a way my Yon never did. Of course it squeeze a bit at my heart to see all the photos on Facebook of kids dressed in white while mine are wearing blue jumpers. But then, I have no idea what traditions I am supposed to pass on in regards to Rosh Hashanah. Is it the calendar? Because if so, then I have it covered. I told Ron about the different months, and I think he remembers about three out of the twelve. Is it the atonement thing? Because if so I have issues with it myself. I have never done any of the required atonement things. I don't believe in a specific day for I'm sorries, for atonements. I find it too cheap, an easy escape. How can I teach my kids something I don't actually believe in? That I don't practice? Is it the religious habits? Because we are not religious people. We have never been overly religious, and are not planning on becoming more so. Where does that leave us? What big holiday traditions do we have? On the other hand, there is the real meaning of the holiday - the new beginnings, the reflection on last year, the happiness and pensiveness that goes hand in hand, the recognition that you have to learn from your past, that new beginnings are dependant on what you have done, on the road you travelled. And I do like that, I want my kids to know that. I like the music and that my boys know the holiday songs. And the food.

Last year's holiday baking

Which brings us to the last section - food. Jewish holidays are all about the food (and usually how someone tried to kill us. But since they didn't succeed, we can eat). Rosh Hashana is no different. First of all you have the Eve, where you have a big family dinner with enough food to feed a small country for about a month. Then you have the next day's gigantic lunch. Someone has to eat all the leftovers after all. And if you are completely unlucky and have his & hers families, you get another gigantic meal. I remember one year, I think it was 2004, when Hidai & I had four such meals in three days. We gained two kilos each by the end of the holiday. A festive meal is a must for a Jewish holiday, but the truth is I don't like cooking, the kids are very much against changing their evening routine, and when it is just the four of us, the question that always comes to mind is - why bother? After all, the real thing about Rosh Hashanah is the sweets.

Honey cupcakes, recipe on my Facebook page (Hebrew & English)

And this is where we come back to baking. You see, because we are starting a new year, and we want it to be happy and successful and sweet - the real traditional food is apple dipped in honey. Not one of my personal favourite I have to admit, but Ron is crazy about it. Because of the sweet motif Rosh Hashanah is a baker's heaven - you have sweet bread, you have honey cakes and cupcakes and cookies, you have apple cakes and trifles and crumbles. To my surprise, the kids actually adore honey cakes. Yesterday, in an attempt to get into the holiday spirit, I made some very easy and quick honey cupcakes. It is true that it said on the recipe that it is loved by kids, but I was still shocked when both Ron & Yon ate two each.
So there you have it. I guess I did raise my children to follow my lead, to keep my traditions, and to know what's important in life (and holidays) - always go for the cake.

Have a happy Jewish new year everyone!
(and don't forget to dip your apple in the honey...)

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Memorial Day

When we first left Israel I had so many moments that felt... Wrong... Moments where I missed living in Israel, that made me feel "not at home". It took me a while for example to get used to the fact that outside of Israel, Friday will never be the same - you will never have the same feeling of sacredness that falls down around you around 2 in the afternoon, you don't have the big family dinner (in fact, most Fridays you have to finish things at work so you get home later than usual), or the morning with no kids and no work, when Hidai & I used to sit around at our regular cafe and have our own couple time, or the extended family time - we used to go to my parents every 2 weeks for Friday. At the beginning I didn't cope well with it, and I spent quite a few of my first Fridays feeling bad, until one day I discovered I no longer feel bad, I have found my own Friday rhythm and we managed to keep the special dinners, the candles, the early(ish) closing of the work day - the essence of Friday. I found that the same process returned again and again with many of those early moments, and over the years we slowly managed to build many traditions that replaced our old ones - Fridays, birthdays, holidays. But there are still some things that you just can't replace, some moments that even when you build a new tradition for them, you can't really truly capture their essence.
Today is one of those days. Today is the Israeli Memorial Day (well, it's the eve, but if you remember I told you that Jewish peoples' day is from sunset to sunset), and though I can, and do, light a memorial candle, listen to Israeli radio, and explain to Ron about all of it, I still can't shake the feeling that it's not right. If we were in Israel we would light our candle and go to watch the opening ceremony and the lowering of the flag, we would stand silently while the sirens are blasting, remembering those who died; in the morning the whole country would stop for a day to commemorate those who lost their lives in wars, the kids would wear white shirts and go to memorial services in school while we would listen to those sad sad songs on the radio, and after the 2 minutes siren we would all go (like we did every year while in Israel) to visit Hidai's friend who lost her brother. We would finish the day with the closing ceremony and Israel Independence Day.
There is so little of that we can do here, so little that would mean something. So little, and yet every year we try to commemorate this day in the best possible way, to remember those who died.
Why? I guess because it is still one of the most important days for us. Because we do remember. Because memorial day, for me, is about remembering that, well, war is bad. In war people die. I know it might sound simplistic, or maybe naive, but maybe if we all remembered it a little bit more, a little less people will have to die fighting in wars that they sometimes believe are right and sometimes believe are wrong.
Memorial day, for me, is just that - a day to remember those who died, a day to remember how it felt when Hidai went off to war, and I was left behind waiting for him to come back, praying that he would. It's a day to think about all those who did lose someone, who has someone that did not come back.
Memorial day, for me, is a day to think about my time in the army, about Hidai's, and about my kids and what I want for them.
Memorial day, for me, is a day to stop. Just stop and think. Stop and remember. Stop and respect those who died. Because it doesn't matter if the wars were wrong or right, those people gave up the most important thing anyone has to give up - their lives. And they are worthy of remembrance.

This weekend, in honor of Memorial day and Independence Day we decided to celebrate Israel and show the kids a little bit more of their heritage and the way these days are done in Israel, so on Friday morning we all went to Golders Green to experience the Friday morning shopping atmosphere while we buy some real Israeli food and incidentally hear some Hebrew spoken by people who are not us. We bought all our regular stuff (well, the things they had in stock anyway. We forgot the rule - after a big holiday it's best to give them a couple of weeks to restock), but unfortunately didn't find any of the Independence Day necessities - flags and plastic hammers. We did buy the traditional Independence Day food though - pittas, humus, fries, pickles, and all the making of a proper salad. We have everything but the meat, because - vegetarian here...
When we got home, we put on the Israeli weekend radio, that is full of songs in Hebrew (and news, but that's a different story) for the first time in a long long while, drank some coffee with rugaelach and kokosh cake, we even had a newspaper (local one but still) and felt... Well, we felt the weekend quiet descending upon us. It's the first "real Friday" we've had since we left Israel.
Then we talked to Ron about the meaning of Memorial day, Independence Day (he did not believe us about the plastic hammers though) and Israeli music, and went on to eat our Friday night dinner because let's face it, Jewish (and Israeli) important dates are all about food.
Just writing all of this makes me want to eat something.
The thing is, the kids are growing up and we have to deal more and more with the need to teach them about our history, about our traditions, about the place we come from. The kids don't look back, they don't see Israel as "home". For them it is the place their parents come from, and they don't feel a connection to it so it's up to us and only us to create this connection, and it raises questions about what we can teach them, what we want to, which part of our history and traditions we want them to be part of, and how can we do that while choosing to live outside of Israel. How do you explain about the people who died in wars so Israel could exist while choosing not to live in Israel? How can you portray the degree of national importance Memorial Day has while dealing with the fact that this year it's on Monday, the same Monday in which the kids go back to school and Hidai goes back to work after 2 weeks vacation?
I have no answers - easy or difficult ones. Every year these questions become more prominent, harder to answer. Each year the understanding that they will not know the things we took for granted when we were in Israel, that they will not have the same traditions or holidays or life experiences as us, that the gap between us is deepening, each year this understanding becomes more real, more final.
This year we commemorated both Memorial Day and Independence Day on the weekend -  Friday to Sunday and added the Israeli-Weekend to the explanations, lighting of the candle and listening to the music so we would feel like we did enough to portray the spirit of the day, but the truth is, you really can't shake the feeling of both not doing enough and not doing it on the right day.

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Passover and Girls Night Out

Passover is the biggest holiday there is for Jewish people. It's all about how the Jews left oppression behind (with God's help of course) and went back to being free men. The long version includes (naturally) the story of how someone tried to kill the Jews and did not succeed (again) and so we eat, and if you want to read it here is the semi-short BBC version and the even longer version. Don't get me wrong I actually like Passover, well that is not entirely true, I only like the message of the story - the from slavery to freedom thing, and the saying that in every generation everyone must see themselves as if they are the ones that were freed and make sure their children know the story (trust me, it sounds way better in hebrew), because I believe it is true, we all have things that binds us, that enslaves us and we should try and free ourselves from them.
On the other hand Passover food sucks (it's very unexplainable as far as I'm concerned but the basic is no flour and yeast), the real story has some unpleasant concepts I would rather spare my kids, and the whole concept of big extended family dinners is too much for me anyway, so why bother?
This year we added the fact that I was unsure which metaphorical slavery we were escaping (I like to have one, it makes the holiday more relatable), Passover eve (when you eat) was on Monday, and the money and energy were too low for cooking a big meal.
So we didn't bother with the traditional Passover.
Instead we had a week-long visit from my friend who came over from Israel and a pizza-dinner with my brother & his wife.

That's me drinking coffee. All the photos in this post are my friend's since I am no good in scenery photos...

And as it turned out, I did escape some metaphorical chains this Passover. For the first time ever I took 2 whole "me days". Hidai worked from home and was in charge of the kids and I went out with my friend (she said no names so I'm honoring her request). We went shopping, we went to see an exhibition in a real grown-up museum, we saw a musical, we drank coffee without rushing, we did not enter the Disney store, M&M world, Hamley's, or any other kids-related or boys-related activity.
My friend is way posher than me, so we visited all the designer boutiques and stores I usually feel intimidated by, like they know I don't have enough money to buy anything, and what can I say? after viewing everything, I still feel intimidated, but I also didn't see anything I wanted and after having to put my Aldo bag on the floor at Starbucks numerous times this week I still don't get how you're supposed to leave the house with a £400 bag...

Burberry on Regent St.

If anyone wants to buy me a birthday gift though, I do understand how you leave the house with those  (fine, I will probably settle for these also)... But I digress, the point of the story was not to encourage you to buy me birthday jewellery (I would also like a Kindle), even though my birthday is next month.
The point of the story was that I have never ever ever left my kids to just stroll around the city. In the last 8 years (Ron's birthday is also coming up) I abandoned my kids five times - 1 night away when Ron was a year old, when I went into labor, when we flew to Gibraltar to plan the relocation and 2 romantic vacations with Hidai (both were spent shopping in London. Romance is our strong suit). Do you see a common theme? I had Hidai with me, and it was always for a "thing", but I've never just left them all and went shopping for a day. Actually, even more embarrassing, I haven't gone out (for dinner or a show or a movie or whatever) without Hidai even once in our 12 (something) years together. I can't say I haven't thought about it (especially when I get totally frustrated with all of them, or when Hidai doesn't understand what's it like to be the one "left behind"), but I've never done it. Now I did, and I thank my friend for it, because if it weren't for her I don't think I would have ever done it. I've been waiting for her visit and for the "going out" experience for quite some time now. How did it feel? Wonderful. and Awful. First of all I was super excited, and kept saying "yay! I can't believe I've done it!", I enjoyed eating, drinking and sitting without having to first of all make sure anyone else is looked after, I loved getting on and off the tube without counting people, I went to a museum! A real museum, with art! Not "the science museum" or "the transport museum" or "the children museum". I went to the Tate Modern to see the Lichtenstein exhibition. It's been years since I've seen the inside of a real museum (only problem was we had to walk over the Millennium Bridge to get to the museum. I love museums. Walking on bridges over rivers not so much...),

Crossing the bridge

no-one said "I'm bored" or "I'm cold" or "Can I have your phone to play" or my favourite "Are we done yet??????", we saw "Viva Forever" which is a total full-of-fun chick-musical based on the Spice Girls songs (I was very much surprised to see how many of them I still remember). In short - I had fun.

Waiting for the show

On the other hand I did have some kids-related errands to run so we stopped at Boots and my shopping was mostly related to Easter-eggs, I even took my friend to her first Marble-Arch Primark experience to buy some socks and underpants for... You guessed it - the kids. Also, I had to walk over a bridge (twice), my phone died because I'm not used to being out so long and didn't think to bring a charger with me, I haven't spoken to Hidai and my kids for a whole day (unprecedented), I finished the day talking to the 7 years old girl and her 20 something sister who sat next to me at the theatre and gazing at the redhead girl infront of me (she had hair the exact color as Ron, gorgeous red hair), I missed them all like crazy, and mainly I think, for me London is "our" city, mine and Hidai's. It's always been like that - our honeymoon, every romantic vacation we ever took, our dream destination. It was weird "being in London" without Hidai.
I think sometimes we don't realize we are enslaved. Sometimes we have life choices we made some time ago and we fail to change them, or even to examine and validate them, or to be happy or sad about them. Sometimes choices become facts of lives. Just-the-way-it-is-and-it-can't-be-changed kind of thing. This Passover thanks to my friend I had a chance to examine one of mine, a very fundamental one, I had a chance to feel how it is to not be here for my Hidai and my kids. I had a chance to look into the "what if" mirror. And I took it. I took my chance, I had so much fun, I had an adventure :) and in the end of the day, all of it made me realise I made the right choice for me.
(That is not to say I did not close myself in the bedroom to write all this and left Hidai with the kids and the WII).

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Half-term - on survival and improvements

Why is it, I wonder, that I can't seem to be able to get one of those weeks, you know the kind, the ones that when someone asks you - how was your week? You answer - great! It was just great! the kind of weeks that only other people have. Why is it my weeks are always mixed? I can't remember one honest "great" I gave. Yes, I lie.
The past ten days where half-term vacation for the kids, and last night Hidai and I looked at each other and just sighed with relief. We've made it through half-term.
Don't judge me, I have mitigating circumstances for setting my goal at survival:

1. Kids were in a bit af a state before the half-term started. They were in one of those - fight about everything, cry because of anything, and basically behave like a little sh*&^t towards everyone - moods. It got to the point that on the last day of nursery Yon's teacher asked me what is going on... 
2. Yon and I were half to full sick for the whole ten days (and still are).
3. We had a dentist appointment for the kids, and especially Ron because we were worried about the tooth he has growing instead of the one they took out in his surgery and if the cyst has returned.
4. We had Purim so I had Purim baking to do, which wasn't bad in itself (though I did say beforehand that I will not be baking this Purim...) but unfortunately included my mixer and my favourite rolling pin breaking down in the middle of the work.
5. We spent the whole half-term inside the house because of the weather, the fact that Yon is not cold-tolerant, and the health issues.
6. Hidai had a busy week at work and needed attention (did I mention already that he is high maintenance?) 
7. It is almost the end of the month, so no more money to spend.
8. We got some bureaucracies to handle with Yon's school registration, and in Israel.
9. Arsenal lost twice. Ron took it hard. And Hidai & Ron went to watch the match on Saturday, so we were somewhat worried it won't go well.

Yes, as I saw it, survival was my only option here. The thing is, from this list here you can see all the bad or problematic things of the last ten days, but it's not really the case, since half-term went better than expected and we actually managed to handle all those negatives and to have a good time, because:

Ron made me this, and it wasn't even Mother's day yet!

I made the kids a time-table for the half-term, I worked it out together with Ron, and taped it to their bedroom door (and explained on what days we will be deviating from it in advance....), and what do you know? It worked. It was a HUGE surprise for us, because we didn't promise them anything for good behaviour or threatened any punishments, but they actually loved it and followed it to the letter. There were (almost) no fighting, no bitching and no crying. For ten days. There was reading, there was maths, there was playing together... It was like magic :). Last night we took it down and stored it until Easter (5 weeks people. 5 weeks till the next school holiday), and Ron even said he was a bit sad that the half-term is over. All around success.

Time-table

Hidai was able to help me when I was in the really sick state so I did get one full day of being in bed and watching a ton of TV shows, and most of the times Yon and I were not so bad.
The dentist X-rayed Ron's mouth and there is no sign of the cyst! So so so relieved, and also the giant tooth he has growing now is just an adult tooth in a child's mouth, and the other ones are coming along, so everything seems to be in order, and we can come back in 6 months and not 3. Great great news (Yon's teeth, if you care are also good. His attitude sucks).

Dentist fun - trying to improve Yon's attitude

The kids actually asked to celebrate Purim. It was not my idea, I didn't have to push it on them, they even remembered most of the story and the songs from last year, and the message we assigned the holiday - One person can make a difference for the whole world (it is not the conventional message you get in Israel - someone tried to kill the Jews, didn't succeed, we rule. But it is still a true message you get from the story), and they wanted to do the whole thing - dress up (Ron is a given, but we gave Yon all the other options we have in the house - Ben 10, Peter Pan, Cowboy. Can you guess what he chose? Of course, and so I had 2 Arsenal players.), hear the songs, play the games, eat the food. It was a jewish mum's heaven.

And also, even with all the things that went wrong in the baking process, and despite my absolute conviction it will be terrible, and the fact that Hidai who is usually in charge of filling and closing the dough was too busy to do it this year, it was my best Purim food ever. The kids ate 3 pieces each. Hidai ate 6. After much deliberations and weighing of costs and use (baking versus dieting) and the fact that this one survived for 3 years, I have to have a mixer because I can't do it Paul Hollywood Style (using only hands), and I will have 2 of all the accessories (which is a big plus), we decided to stay with the same semi-professional Kenwood and not upgrade it to a real pro mixer that costs around 500 pounds, and so it will be replaced next week. The rolling pin however will not get replaced, first of all because I already have 2 others in the house, and second because it was just the handle that broke, and I can still use it. Somewhat, and I really doubt I can find the same one (it's about 9 years old...).

Purim food

Staying inside for the whole week and the kids being busy with their time-table activities meant that I could indulge in my documentation obsession. I think I mentioned it already, but let me show you the inside of an obsessive mind - we have 4 working cameras (from amateur to pro) and 2 phones that we use to take photos with. I take at least a photo a day, usually more (I know, you can't really see that I am a compulsive photographer). All the photos are stored on at least one computer, go through photoshop, saved according to date, and uploaded to an album that goes to print, Facebook, or my screensaver. After that they are backed up in the cloud. The thing is, because it takes a little time to do all that, I was somewhat behind, so I used most of last week to finish all the photos related work, and like with the laundry, the next day I already had more photos...
It is the last week of February, and we managed to reach all our budgetary goals. It was hard, it was annoying, but it was worth it, and we are saving the last of our very good wine to March first to drink for our budget success, and our road to financial recovery.
We took care of all those annoying bureaucracies with much more ease than we (okay I) would have even a month ago, so I guess that's progress, right? and also we took care of it (hopefully) and Yon will be enrolled to a school next year even though we don't have a child tax credit / benefit letter for him to prove his address, because he does have a NHS number certificate thing addressed to him, so they allowed us to use that as proof he actually lives with us. And the Israel bureaucracy is never ending it seems, even after more than 3 years... Every time we think we finished everything something pops up, but also with that I think we are making progress. Somewhat at least.
Arsenal won and Hidai & Ron had fun at the match. It was just slightly snowy, and very very cold, but a hot-chocolate and a 2:1 win helped :).

Ron at the match

We finished 4 weeks of exercise and eating better (okay not really better, but we did try to control the amount of chocolate and other sweets in the house), and even though I was totally sure that it did not help, surprisingly enough it did, and I am now once again comfortable in my tiniest pair of jeans.

That's it folks, we survived half-term, we survived February, and though I can't really say it was great, after writing this post, I can definitely say it was an improvement. And that in itself is an improvement :)

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Christmukah part 2 - How Christmukah came to be

The truth is in real life I don't need to justify Christmukah anymore, but this is a new blog with new readers, and maybe it's not justifying but explaining. I was debating with myself for a week now if it's necessary or not to explain here why and how we decided to celebrate Christmas (and basically every other non-Jewish holiday. But Christmas is by far the biggest of them all).
This will be our 4th Christmas since we left Israel. The first one was 3 days after we arrived to Gibraltar so we don't really count that one, but the year after (Christmas 2010) we decided to celebrate Christmas like everyone - tree, stocking, milk & cookies for Santa, and lots and lots of presents.
That year I felt I had to justify our decision. Not even explain but justify. We got a lot of negative feedback for our decision from almost everyone we know, and I am guessing that some of the people never understood our reasons and still don't. 3 Christmases later, we really don't care anymore. For us, our decision worked great, and we feel that we made the right choices for our family.
I really am not trying to say it's the only choice  or even that it is objectively the best. Just that with our way of life, it was the best choice for our family.
So to be able to write this post and explain the why and how, I had to go back 3 Christmases, to the time just before Christmas 2010, and see what I wrote then. It took me a while but I found it, and since I think this decisions belong to that time in our life, I decided to just copy-paste what I wrote then (well obviously I had to translate it to English, but I kept everything else).
So this is me, December 2010:

This is a complicated subject, because even though I can say that I want to try and explain the way we relate to holidays, in reality the holidays are just one point out of a whole of Jewish identity, family identity, and the gaps between children and parents.
First of all I would like to say I know it's hard to understand it from Israel. I know, and I am not taking offense or feeling other negative feelings for those who does not agree with our decision  We couldn't understand it when we were living in Israel, and in fact last year we landed in Gib 3 days before Christmas and we were fine with not celebrating it. In fact we couldn't even imagine celebrating it at all. But a year has gone by, and things change.
Living outside your birth country intensify, I think, the gaps between children and parents. Why? Because when you raise your children in the same place you grew up they learn the same stories and songs that you learnt, have the same holiday traditions, and when they go to school they learn the same things we did, in much the same way. When you live someplace else, the kids speak a different language, learn different material in school, read different stories and sing different songs, they celebrate other holidays. They grow up in a "different world", and the we have less and less matching points with them, until it reaches the point that, if we are not careful, we will have none. This is, to us, the toughest problem to tackle inside the family. Every family deals with it, and to each their own way. Some of the people deny the problem. You can do that as long as the kids are young and you have more control on what they see / hear / talk / experience and such (for me it's up to age 4 and the beginning of school). Others deny the fact that they in fact live outside of Israel. They forbid English in the house, go to Israel whenever there is a holiday here, do not interact with people outside the Israeli community, teach the kids all the Israeli history when they are 5 and basically isolate the kids. Others yet go the religious route and choose to get closer to the Religious Jews, send the kids to the Jewish school, celebrate only Jewish religious holidays, and basically live inside a closed Jewish community. And the last part has older kids, who go to a public school, has local friends  and they can no longer ignore the fact that they live here, and that here you celebrate Christmas. Or Easter. And when you are the only Jewish child in your year or in the school, and everyone goes caroling, is it fair to take your child out of the performance?
I can remind people that the Israeli community in Gib is quite small, that there are about 5 kids Ron's age or up, and that the only Jewish option is a strict religious one we are not about to participate in. 
I can also remind people that most (if not all) the holidays derive from Pagan traditions that came before Judaism or Christianity,and that most of them are agriculture related. And that Hannukah, like Christmas derive from the winter celebrations that symbolizes the days getting longer and the end of winter. 
In the end I can also say that although for Jewish people everyone has to have a religious affiliation, and so most of the world is Christian, the reality is that a lot of the people in Europe (don't know about the US) do not define themselves through religion. They are not "Christians" but "Gibralterians" or "British" or whatever. And they all celebrate Christmas with a tree and all the trimmings.
And every word is true. But irrelevant. We are not religious people. We've never been. We didn't even celebrate most holidays before Ron was three or four. Needless to say we didn't celebrate any of them "the correct way".
And although I don't like the way the holidays are taught in Israel I can still appreciate the significance of it in Israel. Here? Here I want Ron and Yon to learn about tolerance and patience, about the ability to believe in whatever you want, about being nice and polite to everyone (including non-Jewish people). And no, I dot want them to know they are "different" or "special". I have no idea how many of people living in Gib are Christians, Protestants, Hindu, Muslims or Jewish. And I want Ron and Yon to know that it doesn't matter (I know some thinks it makes my naive. So be it). 
So we decided to emphasize these things - that Hannukah is about freedom of belief, and that is why we are not putting a Hannukah Bush in the house. It's a beautiful holiday that does not need to be "Christmatize", which is exactly what a Hannukah Bush is - a way to do Christmas without admitting that is what you are doing. Hannukah and a bush have nothing in common. And that Christmas is, for some the birth og Jesus, and for us - lights, tree, and presents :)
And all of this doesn't change what I wrote at the beginning - the holiday are just one tiny thing we have to deal with. It continues with questions regarding language - what do we speak at home, and outside, do we explain school things in Hebrew or English? How we preserve the Hebrew and let the English grow? Do we read to them in English or Hebrew? Do we watch DVDs in Hebrew or English? Does it matter if it's Ron or Yon? etc. And we see more and more of those questions with every day...
The kids won't be Israelis. There is nothing we could do about it even if we wanted. Their Hebrew isn't perfect. They don't have Israeli history. They grew up someplace else. Even if we do go back it won't erase all the years outside of Israel. It won't make them Israelis, anymore than leaving Israel makes us Gibralterians. 
And that brings us back to the original problem - we have to find a way to bridge the gaps. To create traditions that will keep them connected to us and vice-versa. So we celebrate Christmukah. We put up a tree, decorate it with the kids, bake cookies with them, open presents from under the tree with the kids. Light the candles with the kids, sing the songs with them, and eat some doughnuts. Because after all, all holidays are really about one thing - family.

Getting back to December 2012, for us, it was the right decision. It was and still is the right way of doing things. We have our small traditions that we love and that gives us the feel of a family. And by now we take them for granted. We have to find our way in so many areas everyday that in this we prefer to embrace where we live and our choices and not fight with it.
Truth is, everyone here assumes that you celebrate Christmas, most people don't know we are Jewish (and even after they know, they still assume that), Ron wanted to be in the choir and do some caroling, and we embrace the whole Christmukah things wholeheartedly.
And if Robert Zimmerman (you know - Bob Dylan) can release a Christmas album, the least we can do is enjoy it!

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Christmukah Part 1 - Hannukah

Apparently you can write Hannukah in English in like 5 different ways, so I never know what way is the correct way. I also heard it called The Jewish Christmas, which I found really funny. I go with Hannukah just because :).
Just in case you don't know, Hannukah is NOT a big deal in Israel. Well that's not really true, because you have the doughnuts. And who doesn't like doughnuts? also you have the Latkes. And chocolate coins. But if you don't have kids, Hannukah is not a big holiday. It's not even a proper bank holiday. In fact if you do have kids, it's even kind of an annoying holiday - lots of hannukah parties at nursery and school's off for 8 days.
But when you live outside of Israel it is considered the biggest of all Jewish holidays, and usually the only one non-Jewish people recognise, because of its closeness to Christmas. Like all Jewish holidays this one also moves around every year (I explained this one in my Rosh Hashana post), but it's always somewhere around December.
Personally I adore Hanunkah  It's been one of my favourite holidays for years, ever since we had Ron. I love the food, the songs, the whole lighting of the candles. I try and make the effort to do it correctly every year. In fact Hidai and I have our Menorah that goes back to when we moved in together.
That being said, I don't like the way the story is taught to kids. Like most Jewish holiday it can be summarised in - someone tried to kill the Jews and they failed. Lets Eat. I know I am saying that a lot, but seriously, it's taking this great holiday that talks about freedom, and light, and hope, and has roots in the pegan beliefs that precede Judaism, and all the connections to Christmas, and just throws them away for the All Israeli Way of - it's good to die for our country.
If you really want the story of Hannukah, there is a very short version here. You can find much much longer versions, like this one, but why would you want to?
So this year, because Ron is 7 (and a half like he likes reminding me. Every day.), I told him the story properly, making sure he knows it's been a long long time since it happened (and yes, after we had to go check on Google who it was that tried to kill the Jews this time), and making sure he understands the meaning of Hannukah as we want it to pass - the general messages of freedom of beliefs, courge to fight for what is right, and hope. Sometimes it's easier being outside of Israel. No one will tell him anything different than what we explain. At least not until he is old enough to understand the insanity that is the Jewish holidays.
Yon, as usual, enjoyed the music. His preferred song was the blessing of the candles.
I am slightly ashamed to say we did not resist the doughnuts urge, and ate our first doughnuts before Hannukah. We bought some jam doughnuts at Sainsbury's that were actually quite good (not really real doughnuts, and the filling wasn't strawberries or Nutella, but still...).

Also, you can't have a holiday without the necessary visit to Golders Green, to buy overpriced holiday knickknacks. I bought some very glitter-filled menorah and dreidel hanging things, and some holiday napkins (I find you can't really have a proper holiday without the appropriate napkins), ans table confetti (which we didn't use). Because the kids are older now, I decided they should each get a menorah of their own, that comes together with a dreidel, a box of candles, a sack of chocolate coins and Hannukah shaped shortbread cookies. Well, obviously I was there, so I bought some can't-live-without-necessities. Like Humus.

Hannukah booty 

There were so many other knickknacks at Kosher Kingdom, it was crazy. Next year I am for sure buying the Latkes domino game :). And the Yiddish Hannukah songs CD that was playing. And some of the 8 presents for 8 days ideas they had. It is crazy because it's just done so that Jewish kids won't feel deprived that they don't have Christmas. Oh and don't get me started on the Hannukah bush.

One of the four Hannukah things stands at Kosher Kingdom

So, 8 days of Hannukah, what did we do?
On the first day, Ron and I were still not healthy so we cancelled the big Hannukah celebration with the family and just lit the candles at home, with some music and store bought doughnuts.

First candle

On the second day we went to Jo & Adrie for afternoon tea and carrot cakes, so we did the whole candles thing pretty late when we got home. 

3rd day was uninteresting, as it was Monday, also known as Ron's football day and getting home really late day.

4th day was Latkes day! Latkes are, for lack of a better english explanation, some kind of potato deep fried pancake. Yummy (even if it did not sound yummy from that description, trust me - it is. Especially when you eat it with soured cream or apple sauce). I make latkes once a year, because, well first of all I hate frying things (especially in winter. Not so fun opening all windows at around 2 degrees Celsius), and second of all - if you tried making latkes you know the whole process is kind of disgusting with the whole squeezing the grated potatoes and all. But they are a Hannukah tradition (and yummy), so once a year it is.

Very yummy.

5th day was sweet cheese pancakes and home-made easy doughnuts day. You have to have proper Israeli cheese for both (though I did read in one of my beloved food blogs that you can substitute Israeli soft cheese with Greek yogurt. It really does tastes kind of the same) so I bought lots of cheese and hid it all in the back of the fridge so no one would eat it, and then I had to use it, and while I was making the cheese pancakes I just figured why not fry it all in one go? So I did. Kids and Hidai had a blast. I, on the other hand, ate about 1 doughnut and 2 cheese pancakes. Can't eat fried food... 

It tastes better than it looks

6th day was leftovers day. What can I say - There are always too many...

7th day was mini doughnuts day, but unfortunately they were the kind that looks better than it tastes. I prefer the other kind...

8th day was the day I was planning on making real last day doughnuts, but Hidai put a stop to all the frying madness and also I was again not feeling well, so no real doughnuts this year :(.

It's not a big secret that I had a few concerns with Hannukah this year. Actually I was dreading it a bit, because Hannukah is more enjoyable in a big celebration, with friends and family, and we did not have that this year. I was afraid it will feel lonely and sad, that the kids won't get in the spirit, that it will stretch forever and we won't enjoy it as much as we usually do. And while it is true that we spent most of the holiday just the four of us, it was a very good holiday with lots of fried food and we are now once again very very fat and happy :) 

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