On being left behind

We are going through some things this past few weeks. It is one of those times when you have things bothering you that you can't really blog about, for various reasons, mainly because after all is said and done, a blog is a public space and not everything is for sharing, and not everything is for sharing at this particular moment. But these things happening caused me to be stressed, and as a result I wanted to write. In fact I have about 5 posts that I want to write, and I had every intention of writing each and every one of them, but every time I sat down in front of my computer this last week or so, I wrote two sentences and then froze. I didn't know what to write, or how. It was a completely new experience for me. I felt like the biggest cliche out there, saying "but something like that has never happened to me". After all it wasn't any of the multiple things that I usually go through before I start writing. It wasn't a case of writer's-block, it wasn't a case of "oh no I need a post for tomorrow and I haven't a clue", and it wasn't any of the things that happens after I finish writing, because it wasn't a case of "no one will find this interesting enough to read". I know all those fears quite intimately. They go through my mind at least three times a day. More if I actually try to write. In fact, after I release a post into the world the first thing I do is shut down the computer (and every other internet related electronic device near me) and try not to think about all the people not reading my posts. If I could, I would let Hidai (or any other unsuspecting volunteer) release my posts for me. I am not good at letting go.
I also tend to hyperventilate, nag about all the things that can go wrong, and walk around restlessly through the whole process.

Working (or playing Candy Crush)

And if it's tough with posts, you can imagine how much I like letting my kids go anywhere without me. The only good thing about my neurosis is that they are predictable. I am like a well oiled clock that way. A cuckoo clock maybe, but still a clock. For years I never took the kids anywhere, except home. Needs to go to nursery or school? Daddy will take you. Needs to go to an after school activity? Daddy. Needs to go to a friend's house? Yes, I know you know. Daddy. The problem is I can't leave. I don't mind sitting outside and waiting. I don't mind being the creepy parent who hides in the bushes (I am guessing you have seen New Year's Eve, and know who Piper's mum is. If not, you probably found that less funny). I just can't turn my back and go out, leaving them there to fend for themselves in the cold-cruel-crazy world. I can't be sure they won't be lost or hurt, or insulted. I can't be sure there will be someone to look over them, to notice them. I can't be sure they'll be fine until I come back.
In a different lifetime I used to translate articles for university students. I translated a few hundreds of articles, but I only remember one of them. And this one was about parenting. I remember it because it was about how a mother's job is to be left behind. As mothers, as parents, every day we lose a tiny bit of our kids - they start walking, dressing themselves, feeding themselves, reading, writing, they learn how to operate a TV, and they leave us. Just a little bit more. It is our biggest job, and our toughest one. Because being left behind is the worst feeling there is. You are not needed here anymore.
But there you have it - If we do our job right, than our kids will be able to leave us more easily.
Some of it is metaphors (or at least things you can ignore their symbolism), and some of it is real live leaving. Like taking the kids somewhere and leaving them there. Or maybe they leaving you and going inside without a backward glance.

And I am not good with letting go. In fact with Ron I was really bad. I remember the first time I put him in nursery. I cried the whole time. And bought a new printer. But the years, some Rescue Remedy, Hidai holding my hand and a lot of practice made me feel like I am getting better. Or maybe it's the understanding that I have no choice. He will hate me forever if I try to follow him everywhere. And you get through not going with him to the first school trip, or the second one, or the beach-day. You get through 10 first days ok, you get through picking him up after a half-term football camp (just days one. Not one with nights). And it lulls you into believing that you are stronger, that you can do it.
Than comes the first day in year 4 and you manage to go through it all without crying, with only a mild panic attack, and without running to your child crying loudly "Oh sweetie pie, my baby, I've missed you so much!" the minute you see him come down the school steps.

Follow the purple line and you'll get to reception

And then you have Yon, a typical second child, and somehow I had the fantasy, or thought, or dream, that it is easier the second time around. Especially this year, as we've taken him to visit his new Reception class a few times before his first day, we've talked about it non-stop and mainly because he really wanted to go. He wanted to be in "big school" like Ron.
And maybe it was because I was very preoccupied with other stuff. But his first day arrived, and for the first time in our lives as parents Hidai didn't take a day off to be with me. Because we forgot. Because we didn't think it would be hard. Because Yon is a second child, and it is supposed to be easier. After all we already know that nothing bad is going to happen, that it is just three hours for the first week, that he knows the teachers and the classroom.
I can give you all these excuses. God knows I gave them to myself. But then we got there on Monday for the first day, to the new classroom, and it was full with kids and parents, and noise. We stood there, Hidai & I in the entrance to the classroom, Yon had already gone to play with some animals and waved us goodbye, and we looked at each other and in that moment we knew. We can't leave. We can't turn our back and leave our baby in there alone.

FIrst day, first ten minutes in reception

That is the moment when we lost one of life's better fantasies and learnt one of it's harder lessons - it doesn't get easier.
We did leave of course, but not before we talked to the teacher, the 3 SEN assistants, both the school and the Children Centre head teachers, and the deputy head; and we still spent a couple of minutes standing outside and picking in through the door-window. We left, just like we left Ron in year 4, just like we left both of them on Tuesday and on Wednesday. We left because he had a lovely time in Reception, because he was talking to another child, because he did everything we were worried he wouldn't - having fun, communicating, sharing, seeing.  We left, because there was nothing more to do, and we didn't have any more excuses not to.
As I am sitting here writing this I am thinking about my boys growing up, about having to let them walk to school alone, about letting them spend nights out of the house, I am thinking about one of the bloggers I love reading, whose daughters are about to leave for uni, about my parents having three kids in three countries (and soon continents) and having to say goodbye every time, and I am not sure I can do it. I am not sure I am strong enough to let them go. To be left behind.

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Valentines, Pancakes and Sunshine

This week was such a lovely week. We had Pancake Tuesday, we had Valentine's day, we had actual Sunshine.
I will not use this post as an excuse to tell you all how wonderful Hidai is and all about our unending and undying love for each other. First of all because if you know Hidai you know that it's true. And second because he chose the day (evening) before Valentine's to pick a fight with me. And so lost the lovely and touching post I was going to write about the greatest person, husband and father I know (it doesn't matter that we made up and had a lovely Valentine's. he is still not getting his post. because I am not as good a person).
And also I kinda feel like the Valentine people are telling me what to do.
Which always goes well with me.
Lastly, because I took my anger and annoyance at Hidai out on the house, otherwise known as I cleaned the house (maybe "cleaned" is not the right word. The house was sparkling when I finished), I hurt my very temperamental wrist, and my right hand now needs to be in a splint so that I could have almost no movement, which incidentally makes typing almost impossible.
All that leads us to.... Photo posts.
By the way, English speaking people, why oh why can't I use photo and picture correctly? Why?
So, this week began with snow.
Like every good week should. It was the nicest kind of light snow that melts without really making a mess, and you get to enjoy the snow and not fall down in the street. Win-win situation.

Isn't it nice to wake-up to that on monday?

After that we had Pancake Tuesday. Well, I do know that it has actual religious meaning and it's not just the pancakes thing. But do you really see me giving up something for 40 days? The only thing I should give up is chocolate, and I have never succeeded in more than a week without it. Beside, we are only celebrating the fun parts of our own holidays, so I don't really see us going all the way with other religion's holidays. Anyway, we absolutely love pancake day around here, I mean how can you not love pancake day? It's a day that "forces" you to eat pancake. For dinner. Doesn't get any better than that, and since I mastered the three pans technique it takes me very little time to make all the pancake. It takes my boys even less time to eat them...

Yes we ate it all. And by "we" I mean Hidai

 


On wednesday Ron handed-in his Israel presentation, on which he worked really hard and for long hours and got 15 out of 15 (5 for research, 5 for quality of work and 5 for delivery). He also had an assembly about France (very sad seeing all the Eiffel Tower photos without being able to go...) in which he had 2 sentences, one of them was the opening sentence and he was very excited about it, but actually he was less terrified than at his first assembly, so I figured it means he is feeling more "at home" in school.
I represented me, Hidai and Ron's best friend's mum (who couldn't make it because of work and our school's tendency to let you know about things a day before).

The Year 3 France Model

 


Which brings us to Thursday and Valentine's day. Of course we celebrate Valentine's day. First of all because we celebrate every stray holiday, second because we have boys that we need to educate, and teach how to treat women and you know what they say - the best way to teach is through demonstration. And third, it's pink and hearts and chocolates. How can we say no to that? what are we animals? (actually, the last time I asked Yon that, he answered with a resounding "yes" so you know...). We had all the things needed for a good Valentines - a card, a good bottle of wine (Israeli wine I bought last week in Golders Green and we saved), chocolate mousse (store bought one, because I don't bake or cook on "my" holidays), and pizza (that I was disappointed to see was not shaped as a heart). Oh, and kids that were in bed on time.

 


So this is Friday, Ron had an Ice-Cream Party at school because they had 100% attendance last week, we had lovely, warm, happy sunshine (okay so the warm part was an exaggeration), kids are off school for half-term, and we have Challa for Friday night dinner, Jaffa Cakes for the kids (it's the new hit) and my new favourite thing - Pita Chips.

A sunny Yon

Yes, this is me when my hand hurts and I am having difficulties writing.

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On Homes and Yons

Ten days into February. It has been a weird one.
I started writing this post in my head a couple of days ago, then yesterday I sat down to put my words on paper (so to speak), and here I am now, and I have 3 different posts. One was happy, one was reflective, one was just plain sad. Like I said, a weird one.

We have a Facebook friend, she isn't really a real-life friend, who's daughter was born with a genetic syndrom that required her to undergo 8 surgeries so far, and caused her some cognitive and developmental problems. We learned about that when she wrote all that on Facebook as a part of a "birthday card" for her daughter's third birthday. Today she commented on an article about another family with a child who suffers from the same thing, and posted it again on Facebook. It completely changed what I wanted to write about. I used to think about stories like that that they are sad, unfortunate, unlucky, terrible or whatever, and then move on with my life. I can't do that anymore. Now when I read a story like that it totally shutters my defences, my wall of repression and denial that I try so hard to build and cultivate. Yon's situation is very far from that, and by no mean is he considered a special needs child, but he will forever be "special" and not in the good way. We've been taking Yon to doctors, specialists and hospitals every 6-8 weeks since the day he turned six months old, but we've been watching him and worrying about him almost from the day he was born. We've been to doctors in Gib, Spain, Israel, London. We've had him struggle through painful tests, unfriendly doctors, hours in waiting rooms, and so many strangers that want answers he can't give. We went through the shock of discovering our six months old baby has a squint, will need glasses forever, might lose his eyesight in one eye, and might need an operation that nobody can guaranty will help. We've struggled with the guilt that it took until he was 10 months old to get him the glasses. On top of that we now have to deal with discovering that he also has a genetic condition that will leave him partially blind forever. How partially? Nobody knows. Right now he has 70% sight. There is nothing we can do to help. Nothing. Except continue to take him every 6-12 weeks to the doctors, for... Forever.
So we build a wall of denial and repression. Otherwise we keep watching him. Otherwise we keep feeling sorry for him. Otherwise we can't cope when well meaning people asks us how is he. Otherwise we keep blaming ourselves for our bad genes, for not discovering it sooner, for the 4 months it took the doctors to decide he needs the glasses, for everything. This wall is shaky at the best of times, and is very hard to build again after every visit to yet another doctor, or after yet another set of bad news, or after every time we discover how bad his eyesight really is. We have one month and four days before his next appointment, with yet another new specialists, who will probably want another set of tests... I should be in the middle of my denial period. This is usually the stage where my wall is the strongest. But I find that every doctor visit, every month that pass, every piece of bad news, they all chip away at my wall. My wall is cracking. Having a "special" child, and in this regard I don't think it matters why or how he is different, and I know we got off easy, but still, it weighs on you. It is not something you can be optimistic about. Positive about. To be able to deal with it all I need my wall.

My Yon

We've had a few things this week that raised the "home" issue. Not home as in the apartment we live in and being able to make rent. Home in the big sense, as in the feeling of.
Ron's class is learning about different countries in the world, and each child is preparing a presentation on the country he/ his parents/ grandparents came from. Ron is presenting Israel, and in it Haifa, the city we come from and that he was born in.
The kids were in a nostalgic mood and wanted to see baby pictures of themselves, and since we have about a million, it was a very long a trip down memory-lane.
My brother gave us an Israel as Home lecture on Saturday.
I went to Golders Green on Friday to buy some Israeli food and Purim things (Purim, for non-Jewish and a simple explanation, is our Halloween).
When all these things happen together I usually sit down, put on my "Orli When Needed" playlist on iTunes, look at the rain pouring down outside, dig into a big bag of Oreos (can't help it, I have a craving these days...), and think about homes.
The truth is, and sappy as it may sound, Hidai is my home. From the day Hidai and I met we've practically moved in together. Our family is our home. We are not nostalgic people, we don't miss the way things were, the way we were, the places we've been in. Live to the full, No regrets, and Always look ahead. What can I say, when we do look back it is always with a sense of "how the hell did we survive that?!" or "what were we thinking?!" I guess it has something to do with our tendency to do everything in the same time and early on in life. It had led to the fact that we have been through a lot. It had also probably led, at least partially, to us not missing any one point in life. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved looking at the baby pictures, Ron was so cute when he was a baby, especially in the pictures. But I didn't miss it, given the choice I wouldn't want to go back (probably part of the reason there will be no third child here). I wouldn't go back to anywhere and anyplace. There are three things I miss when we leave places: the food, the people and the feeling of belonging somewhere, of knowing. As to that feeling, going back to visits made it clear to us that we don't have that feeling in Israel anymore. We don't feel we belong there anymore, we don't remember how to live in Israel, we don't understand it. As time passes we move far away from the way we lived in Gib, and we don't belong there as well. As for the people, we try and take them with us wherever we go, keep the people we love as a part of our lives. Sometimes it does not survive the distance, the time difference and the gaps in the way we live. As for the food, that is probably where we feel "home" the strongest. Whenever my parents bring us our list of necessities :) or whenever I take a trip to Golders Green, and the house is filled with things we used to eat way back, or things that I can't get used to how they taste here, or things that flood us with memories, that is when we feel a little like we belong somewhere. Where? I don't have an answer for that. We probably don't really belong anywhere. We don't have too many or too strong roots anywhere. Is it sad? Is it hard living like that? I have no answer for that either. It is and it isn't, depends on the day you ask... One thing is for sure though, writing this made me understand why every time Yon wants me to pick an animal myself (instead of the Hippo he usually assigns me), I pick a turtle. My home is on my back, or maybe wherever I lay my hat (and also, as Hidai assured me more than once, I walk very slowly).

As it happen we are also starting now the second half of our first year in London (yes, that is the long way of saying we've been here for 6 months), and as this week reminded us - it's starting to feel a little different all of a sudden. It's starting to feel a bit... Easier. I can't believe it's been six months already, and at the same time I can't believe it's been just six months...
We had a chance to visit Ron's class this week to observe a math lesson, and frankly I was amazed. We've never been inside the classroom, let alone saw a lesson, and it really felt like such a privilege to be able to be part of it, see Ron in action, understand what he talks about when he explains about his day. The classroom was great, so full of light and happiness and love. And the lesson itself. I seriously have to say I worship Ron's teacher. He is beyond amazing, he does such good work with the kids. The lesson we saw could be labeled as math-under-pressure. They have to explain how they are going to answer a series of different questions, to the class, and then answer them in under 4 minutes (and they have a timer. In the class). And still, he kept all the kids interested, engaged, wanting to answer. he never loses his cool, his patience or his smile.

I don't think I can have Ron's class on the blog, so this is Ron working on his Israel presentation

We have 2 weeks of back to regular exercising, which means two things - no one is sick (now that I wrote that someone, probably me, will for sure get sick), and we can eat as much chocolate as we want without feeling guilty (the guilty part is the difference here really).
Hidai got an email from LinkedIn saying he has one of the top 1% most viewed profiles for 2012. Which was very cool :). 
I got my first real blog-related inquiry from someone I don't know, who had a real question, which led to the new Kids and Moving page in the blog. It was very exciting, and made me feel like my blog is growing up :).
This weekend we had visitors, we had my brother & his wife over for coffee and cookies, and Ron had his best friend from his class over after 4 weeks of trying to set up the visit. They were both so excited about it that they haven't stop fighting the whole time...
We had pizza (because Ron was star of the day. I know, we are such good parents. We'll do everything for those kids), and ice-cream , and so much Israeli goods from Golders Green...

My Golders Green bags. This is the photo I sent hidai so he would want to come home :)

Hidai has a hobby. I know it might seem strange, but the last time Hidai had a hobby was somewhere around 2002 I think. He has a Facebook group for football talking, betting, smirking and basically being an idiot with other men. He loves it because it's fun for him. I love it because I don't have to pretend to like football anymore.
Oh, and Arsenal won this week.
We taught Yon to play Uno (all Israeli readers - Taki is called Uno everywhere else). He really likes it, and actually almost doesn't cheat (which is what happens usually in other games...). The success led him to try and do more on the WII, and the computer (he does it all in nursery, but never before at home).

Playing Uno

I had a chance to restart some projects that were waiting patiently for me for the last year or two to have time, patience, and energy. I am very excited about it, and am hoping to still have all three after half-term break next week...
We found money. Doesn't that sound so nice? Yes, we were walking around and found some money. Oh, if only it was true. So no, that is not what happened but we were supposed to get some money in Israel, and not only did we get it on time and without the mandatory 15 phone calls, we actually got a bit more. Always fun :).

Like I said, a weird one.
I just can't seem to make up my mind if it was a good weird or a bad weird...

Being weird (Yon's idea obviously)

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January Happy List

It might seems like my last few posts were a bit too gloomy. Or so I've been told. So I am going to try something different for this post, a Happy List. I am going to look back at January (it still has four more days, but we'll just ignore that) and write all the good and happy things that happened this month.
Unimaginable. I know.
Okay, here we go:

First week of January, my parents were still here, we welcomed the year with style - drinking good wine, watching a good movie and plenty of fireworks.

I did not drop any iPhone into the toilet, so I did not destroy the year (yet. there is still time).
We were tourist for a day and went to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham, which I always love to do (yes, we did it more than once. I think by now we've been to the Changing of the Guard ceremony about 5 or 6 times. Never gets old).
I got a gorgeous new bag, and as a gift from my parents a pair of oh so worm, comfy and lovely snow boots that I was so thankful for this past couple of weeks with the cold weather.
Ron went to his Arsenal fun day and had the best day of his life, met all the players and got autographs from some. he was in heaven, and Hidai was so jealous...

We went to the Battersea Children Zoo, where Yon had the time of his life, and met lots of animals, and we could see that he is ready for a "big" zoo.

I finished all my photo albums for 2012. I know it might seem trivial, but I am very vigilant (okay anal retentive) about our photo albums, but because of the move and everything I was a bit behind (like all my projects), so I finished the first half of 2012, I uploaded a 2 parts albums comprised of my Photo A Day project to Facebook (an album, I might add that nobody watched. Yes dear readers, you are being told off), I chose, uploaded and organised all my photos for the second half of the year album and uploaded a December album to Facebook (that people did watched. Positive reinforcement - Yeay readers!). Yes, and I did almost all of that in 2 days. Granted, it did take almost the whole 48 hours, but it was done.

I re-organised the boys room to find a place for all the Christmas presents. Had you seen their room in its pre-Christmas state you would have understood why it deserved a place in the Happy List.

second week of January, I cleaned the house (again, had you seen it...) and everyone went back to school / work.

Hidai and I had a coffee date, for what felt like the first time in AGES, but was actually just three weeks, in a small cafe on our street that was cute and quiet.
Hidai & Ron built and Earth & Moon modal, an activity that deserves a spot because a) they had fun and learned a lot, b) it had a massive box that took up a lot of space in the room.

Ron had a mock airplane in his classroom, and a whole week of "Wow Week" where he learned mainly about France, and the school is now trying to raise the funds to take them on a trip to Paris.
I finished my blog projects - Christmas Recap, Yearly Review, and Moving to London page.

Third week of January, Snow Week!!! Light snow on Monday and heavy snow on the weekend.

I got my first +1 on google for my blog.
Ron had his after-school clubs, with both of them being football, and with getting compliments about his form.
Yon had a birthday at nursery and got to eat cakey.

Fourth week of January, Hidai worked from home and we got to spend some much needed time together (until Friday, when he ran away to the office).
Yon was on the verge of being sick, but wasn't (that so deserves a place in the Happy List).
We ate French Toast, Challa and Chocolate-Chips Pancake. Not on the same day though.

 

I cut my hair. Yes, it was not a non-English speaking person mistake, I did cut my hair, and now it's a shorter length and really cool and cute. I know it sounds crazy, but I was bored and annoyed with my long hair, I still don't have a hairdresser I trust, I saved money, and I figured - it's hair. it will grow back. Oh, and I also don't really like going to get my hair cut. Hair salons makes me nervous. So after debating with myself for a while, I just... Went for it. And it's great! I am so happy with the result!

Hidai went to his first School Governors meeting. We are involved with the school. We've never been involved. We are not involved people. Except that now we are (well, let's not get carried away. Hidai is).
Arsenal won. Very important.

Last days of January - We are all ready to start february :)
Our February budget is all ready, we were very good on January and have reached our goal.
The weather has improved and we are back to double digits for this week.
We dropped all the weight we gained during the holiday period, and Hidai is back to an exercise regime (I am still not, but I am not sure if it's a good thing or not).

That's it. That's my Happy List. Not so long, Not so impressive I guess, but also Not so bad after all...

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Christmukah part 3 - Build-up to Christmas and Yon's eyes

You can feel the Christmas in the air.
The kids vacation started today, Hidai worked from home and have now started his vacation also, and my parents are on their way here, and I spent the whole day cleaning and getting the house ready. Very festive.
But really, all the beautiful lights are on, the iTunes is non-stop Christmas music (drives Hidai crazy listening to the same songs all the time), the gifts are all ready & wrapped (success!), and I have already made gingerbread (4 types, just because... Well just because), Yule-log type roulade, and some brownies (you know, just because it's yummy). Very festive.
We put the tree up on the 8th of December  Originally I wanted to put it up on the first, some of it was me not having patience to wait, and some of it was wanting to separate Christmas and Hannukah and give each of them the respect it deserves. Unfortunately We didn't get to it that weekend (we were too busy shopping for winter hats. God it was so cold that week), so we ended up doing it on the 8th, which was the first day of hannukah and while Ron and I were still a bit sick. Yon didn't really want to help so he just kept breaking all the candy-canes we bought to put on the tree, and then walked around the tree saying "Don't touch the Christmas" while, obviously, touching the baubles on the tree.
Truth is I envy the people with the "grown up" Christmas tree. You know, the ones that have a color co-ordinated tree, that goes with this year's fashionable color scheme. Our tree is a mis-matched mass of decorations that fill the tree in all kinds of baubles in different shapes. sizes. and colours. It's mostly because we bought what they sold at Morrison's in Gib, and also because we try to get a bauble on every branch... We did very well on that front :). This year we only added 4 new baubles to the tree and were really proud of ourselves.
We did buy outside lights for the first time, but because we were unsure how hard it will be to put them on the balcony, we bought the straight-forward ones, and just one type. Never fear, it is already on the shopping list for next year. More Lights!

Tree

We added to that some indoor lights for the kids room and for the kitchen (our room didn't get any decorations because it is going to host my parents who are still not that big on Christmas. We are hoping they will get into the Christmas spirit as soon as they land), some tinsel for the kitchen and the hall, and some "Merry Christmas" signs for the hall and the kids room. Also on the list for next year - wreath, which we didn't buy this year because we live in an apartment and not a house.
But by far, the biggest holiday perches is my baby tree! Hidai and Ron got it for me last week (true, I did have to use the subtle hint - When you go to get your hair cut, you better come back with a baby tree. But at least they did. And some chocolate. And a card), and we put baby baubles around it and some colourful lights and put it in the middle of the corridor so you go past it lots of times every day. So so cute! And also, it's a real tree, which I very much wanted, so now I am more convinced than ever - next year a real tree! (or maybe a pre-lit one. Those are also really cool. Decisions...)

baby tree and card

This year our favorite Christmas song is Walking in the Winter Wonderland, basically because Ron lernt it at choir and performed it twice - once at the Winter Fair in school, and once when they went carolling at N1 shopping center. We came to watch them sing, as it was a session for all schools in Islington, where each school sang 2 songs. Ron's school was one of the firsts to arrive and sing, which was a very very good thing since the whole thing took place outside and it was about 2 degrees Celsius that day. Not really the kind of weather you want to stand around in. Ron was half frozen I think, so he stood at the back and you couldn't really hear him. Also, I think even-though he wanted us to come watch him, he was a bit embarrassed by us (well, I guess it didn't help that Hidai re-arranged his coat and hat, and I called him Ronchuk in front of everyone), so his coping mechanism was to totally not acknowledge us. He refused to even look at us directly, let alone speak to us. We asked him when we got home if he was embarrassed or excited that we came, and he said equally both. Fine, than we will make more of an effort next time to embarrase him more.
Yon coped with the Christmas singing in the same way Ron used to (until this year, when he decided he wants to join the choir  and also announced that he is going to audition to next term school play...) - he cried, and then looked miserable for the whole time, not singing, not talking, and not communicating with anything or anyone. Although he did practice every day for his class's We Wish You A Merry Christmas, when the moment of truth came, he was quiet as a clam. First time in years when he spent half an hour without talking...
Add to that the fact that he still has an irrational fear of Santas, and what you get is kind of a less enthusiasm for Christmas. We are lucky he likes the trees, and the baubles, and singing the songs at home. And the Advent calendar (thanks to that we now know how many numbers he really know the little monster).
His fear of Santas did not go as far as not wanting to see the special message he got from Santa (PNP site. Genius!). We do it every year, and Ron was really looking forward to it, and both of them were so happy to get the "Nice" stamp...
We are also apparently trend-setters! I am guessing the only reason the kids got Christmas cards this year is they were the first ones to give cards in school. Is it not customary in the UK? It was in Gib. Everyone brought Christmas cards. Also, on the last day of term I sent gingerbread trees (with Ron) and comets (with Yon) for the kids, and gingerbread cupcakes with cookies & cream icing for the teachers. I was the only one to give them anything I think... Weird. We also gave cupcakes to the concierge team and cookies to the building's maintenance team because that is what we used to do in Gib and it felt right to continue.
That's it Christmas-wise I think. We are waiting for the last order from Ocado with the Christmas dinner food to arrive, as this year we are going to have a proper Christmas eve dinner, in which although no one tried to kill the Jews, but we will still eat!

On to the second main thing that we dealt with this week - Yon's eyes.
This is so much less fun than Christmas.
Yon has regular check-ups from the time he was 6 months old, glasses since he was 10 months old, and a very good attitude to all of this. His medical record include doctors in Gibraltar, Spain and Israel, and now that we are here we take him to Moorefilds Hospital to have his check-ups. Last time we were there was hard, and in the end our new doctor said that she thinks there is a different problem and that we should do some new test. Of course we said yes, and after some time and some phone-calls, we got an appointment for an EDD (I think. All those long English words, and all those initials...), and after that for our usual clinic. And on Tuesday we had to be at the hospital at 9 a.m, wich meant Ron had to go to school at 8am, to the "breakfast club" and since we were unsure how long it will all take, we asked Tyler's mum for help and Ron went with them after school.
Apparently EDD actually means you hook a 3 years old to a bunch of electrodes in different areas of his head (and then moves them to under his eyes!), and let him watch black and white squares flashing around on a TV set, and in between flash some light straight into his eyes in different speeds. For 2 hours.
Fun right?
It was so hard. You have no idea. We bribed him. We played "find the dancing Zebra" with him. We held him to the chair. We cried with him when he said "I don't like it!!!!" We promised him 10 times that it's over if he just do this thing or that thing (it was never over). It was HARD. He was so miserable when we finished... We took him out of the hospital for some chocolate muffin and juice, before we came back to the hospital for the "usual tests" where he has to say what he sees. He hates this test because, well, he doesn't see. You will never guess that he doesn't see something, that he has a problem, until you put him in that chair and ask him - what do you see? He doesn't. From there we went to wait for the doctor, and of course - we got a new doctor. Not new just to us, one that just started working in the clinic. I am very grateful Hidai was with me, because the minute she opened her mouth and said "oh, it's good that you came in now, this is the right time to start treating his squint" I wanted to just up and go. But Hidai always keeps his cool so he calmly asked her to get us in with our old doctor as she actually READ the file. She did, and we at least got the news from a doctor we trust. So Yon doesn't have a lazy eye, which is the biggest fear with kids that have a squint, and so we don't have to do patching anymore (he had to wear a patch over his good eye for a couple of hours everyday for a while). He would also always need his glasses because he is far-sighted (can't see up close) and because they "fix" the squint, we don't need to operate. All good things.
BUT
(how did Garry Barlow said on the X-Factor last year - there's always a BUT)
Yon has a genetic condition called Albinism, and basically means he is like an Albino, but only in his eyes, and hopefully not in a very severe way. The way she explained it, it's like if you are watching an old TV, so the pixels are not totally sharp, so you can't really see everything clearly. That is how he sees the world. As a result, now, he only sees around 70% of what he should, and because of the glasses this affects his up-close vision less, so he plays on the iPhone without a problem, but won't recognise people he knows from afar. She said it could get better if he learns to control it, and as the eyes develop, but it's not treatable and will never go away completely. In his condition now, if it doesn't get better, he will not get a driving license and he can have problems in school, etc.
We are now waiting for a specialist to explain it all again, and will give us all the statistics and formal numbers, but she verified it twice, and it explains so many things we noticed over the years, that we are pretty sure that's it.
What can I say? It was not the news we were hoping for. It is not good news. In fact is bad news. But at least now we have a full diagnosis and we know what's wrong. We also know that there is nothing we can do for him. The fact that he is the most beautiful, happy, funny child I know does not change the fact that he is suffering. It doesn't really matter that he doesn't know he is supposed to see better, it that he doesn't, that his life will always be harder, that he will always have to work harder, or compensate for it. As a parent you want to make sure life is as easy as possible for your child, and we failed. He is going to have to overcome this. By himself.
With Yon, we find most of the time we are watching him. We are not looking at him, we are watching. Ever since he was born, and more after we started treatments. Watching. is it better? Is it worse? Can we take a photo and he won't squint? etc. We are always watching. But now, every time I find myself watching it tags at my heart strings. Nothing you can do. 70%. Genetic disorder. Your fault. Your Genes. Nothing you can do. Poor poor Yon.
Children and health issues should never go hand in hand, but they so often do. We have yon's eyes, last year we had Ron's teeth. It is always a concern. Sure, no one's perfect, everyone has something. But why my kids?

My kids

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To Blog or Not To Blog, and also it's Christmukah!

I haven't been here for a while. Some of it is because I am spending this past few weeks half-healthy, or on the verge of yet another illness if you prefer. Some of it was because I was so so busy with organising Christmikah, which always starts with "what's the problem?" and turns in to a military operation filled with excel spreadsheets and wrapping papers.
But mostly it was not being sure if I wanted to come back. I felt the Blog lost its way a bit, or maybe it was me, I am not really sure... But anyway I needed some time to think about the purpose of it all. When we first moved out of Israel, we were still a part. A part of other people lives, people who we left behind and who cared about us. I had a small closed Hebrew Blog that was intended just for those people, to make sure that they will stay a part of our life. Also, I am very bad at keeping in touch. So so very bad. And I am no good in conversations, so the Blog is my way of never having to talk about myself. But the years went by and people moved on. It's a fact of life I guess. But we are not a part anymore. We haven't been to Israel much these last 3 years, and bit by bit our life has changed so much that we couldn't stay a part. As I am writing this while listening to my Xmax playlist, I feel free to say that our life today has no resemblance to our life 3 years ago when we left Israel. It is also changing from the life we had in Gibralter, as every place is different. So the people who I wanted to read stopped reading the Blog, and I lost my one last connection to them. I know not everyone thinks a Blog is a personal way of staying in touch, and it can't be directed to them if it public. But it is. When I write I have these images of people sitting around my table (not crazy. Really. Promise), and knowing they are not reading it made me feel... Forgotten I guess. So what's the point? it's so hard trying to put our lives on a piece of paper, to find the right words, to open up our inner family-life, our dilemmas and hurts, to know that it's out there in the open (and in English). And in the end, that nobody cares.
I know I am writing about how hard life is at the moment. I know that does not make for very fun reading. I guess why would anyone want to read about how hard it is for us in London? I get it. I totally do. So I guess it is mostly my fault. I can say that the 5 months we've been here went by with the blink of an eye (which is true), that Hidai is very happy in his new job (also true), and that the kids are doing GREAT in school (again, true). But it would be only half the story, and for me, without the interesting parts, without the parts that makes life what they are. And yes, right now, since we've only been here 5 months, life is still an adjustment. We are still finding our way. And to me, writing about all these struggles is more real than just saying, yea everything's great here's a photo of Covent Garden.
In the end of the day though, I can't make anyone read. I can't make anyone care. And I can't make anyone understand what it's like moving countries with two kids. But here I am, writing again. Why? First of all, because I prefer to repress everything I just wrote and keep on believing that everyone's reading me, and second because apparently some people are reading me, most of them from the UK, and since I know about 3 people here, I have to assume some people find me interesting :).

The past 3 weeks has been packed with activities and illnesses, with all of us (including Hidai, who is making me explain that he was not really sick. Just a tiny tiny bit) suffering from the unfamiliar viruses that are running around. We seem to catch every single one of them. Fun times.
Ron had an assembly at school, or "Show and Tell" as they call it here. It was a 20 minutes show about ancient Egypt, and he delivered his 2 lines superbly. He was so nervous and excited before, we were afraid he is going to faint on stage... He also had his first parents-teacher meeting, to which his very young (and adorable) teacher wore a suit :). He is a great teacher, and he is getting Ron to do things we would have never guessed are possible (like painting. Or writing stories), and he sat with us with his infinite patience and explained everything, answered all our questions, and put our minds at ease. I don't like writing about Ron at school, it seems wrong somehow, so I will just say that he is doing great, and that the fact that he chose the school when we got here gave him a sense of control that he needed, and that he made the right choice. The school is exactly what he needs.
Both kids made their Christmas cards to give out in class. It's not a big deal except for the fact that they were the only ones who did it. We did ask before and Tyler's mum said that it is done, but apparently not really. Ron didn't care, and this year he made an extra effort and wrote each kid a special personal note. They also had a Winter Fair at school, to which we donated all the toys they don't want anymore (always have a spring cleaning before Christmas or you will not have any room for those massive amounts of new toys...) and were able to not replace them with new ones... Ron preformed with the choir, and Yon got to see his first Santa for the year. Unfortunately he is still very much afraid of all Santas so this will also be his last Santa for the year. Luckily it was his nursery teacher (yes, both kids have male teachers, both of them young and adorable), so after he took off the beard and revealed himself we got Yon to sit beside him. Ron was super excited because he had a chance to meet Yon's teacher... He knew from the start it wasn't "the real Santa"...
Because of all the illness, especially the main chef's (that's me!), we had a very light Hannukah this year, with Sainsbury's doughnuts and no guests... We were supposed to have a family gathering for the first candle but since Ron chose the day before to catch my stomach bug and puked his way through school, we postponed to next year. It was kind of hard on us, first of all because I love love love holidays (one of the reasons we adopt every stray holiday we see), second because I love December holidays (Hannukah, Christmas and our anniversary. What is there not to love?!), and third because we miss the friends we left in Gibraltar and who made last year's December fantastic. We don't have it here, because building new relationships is a tough, time consuming, trial and error process, that I don't think we were aware how much we didn't want to go through again... Sometimes I think moving for the second time is like having a second child - what you miss most are the things you worked the hardest to achieve and that have no shortcuts for the second time around. Like friendships. Anyway, back to Hannukah, I did go up to Golders Green to buy some decorations, candles and dreidels, and we light the candles each night. Hearing Yon bless the candles is the funniest thing ever. Like in any other song, he makes up half the words and there is always a Zebra somewhere in the middle...
Yesterday I was feeling like a normal healthy person, so I made Latkes (which Ron loves and Yon ate because we told him it's like mashed potatoes...) and today they got the easy and fast version of home-made doughnuts. I still have to make one batch of real doughnuts, because it's not really Hannukah otherwise...
Christmas tree is up! We put it up last weekend, and this year we also have lights on the balcony, and lights on the kids' window, and lots of indoor decorations! I love it! The house looks so festive with all the Christmukah decorations. Ron helped a lot with putting all the decorations on the tree, Hidai is in charge of lights, and Yon was in charge of destroying each and every one of the candy-canes. Also he likes going around touching the tree. Not sure why. I really wanted a real tree this year, mainly because there are so many of them going around, and it is so cool! But the boys out-ruled me because of the dirt. It didn't matter how many subtle hints I threw around, i did not even get my mini-tree (another hint...). I did get a vague "next year" promise. Yeah right.
We also have a giant tree in the middle of the garden, filled with lights, that just makes me smile every day. I absolutely love Christmas. Not the religious Christmas. Like I don't celebrate the Israeli Hannukah. I love my meaning of these holidays. The meaning I teach my kids - of miracles, and hope, and light. That the tiniest light can chase away darkness. That miracles are possible. That we are free to choose what we want to believe in. That life is light and laughter.

Next week is the beginning of Christmas vacation, and my parents are coming for 2 weeks.
It is also our anniversaries week - it will be 12 years that Hidai and I are together, 9 Years that we are married and 3 years since we left Israel.
So yeah, it is true that not everything is how I hoped it would, and that we are still adjusting, but hey (and I feel I am entitled to finish with a sappy note) look how far we've come my baby  

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Kids and Catch-ups

The house is oh so quiet - kids are asleep, Hidai is still at work, and the windows are closed so I can't hear the sounds of defeat from the last Arsenal lousy match.
I spent the last 45 minutes reading back to try and understand where I left everything... So much is missing and so little has changed that I am not really sure how to close the gap. Looking at it now, I feel very badly about not being vigilant enough or obsessive enough with the Blog that it got to a point that I know I will forget some of the things I wanted to write about or that they will no longer be relevant...
But since regrets usually gets you nowhere, and such is life, I will ignore the fact that this is my fault and just try to fix it.
So what are we missing?

• Grandparents visit
• Jewish food, stores and TV shows
• Baking - mine, TVs, and Laura's crazy Join British Bake Off idea :)
• Family dinner and getting close to Jo & Adrie
• Kids life

I think that's all. Easy peasy like they say (if they are under 10 years old).
I want to finish it all by the end of this week since next week is Halloween and with it - half term, which means both kids at home for around 10 days, and also, Halloween at our house means one thing - singing pumpkin (you probably ask yourself - WHAT WAS I THINKING last year when I bought a singing pumpkin?! Well I was thinking - it's s cute and Yon would LOVE it. Unfortunately he does).

You know, because we were talking about Halloween and because I am just so damn proud - My first pumpkin!

Each of these points deserves a separate post, and so it easiest to begin with the kids catch ups (not sure it actually works in English, but they do play a lot of catch these days so it does seem appropriate).
It amazes me everyday how well and how fast the kids have adjusted to living here. Kids are amazing creatures (so I wanted to write amazing monsters. Don't judge me), and although I know they didn't really have a choice and they have to adjust for survival, I still find it awe-inspiring how they do it so seamlessly. Like they've been here all their lives. We actually chose to be here, and still it takes us so much longer to feel like we belong...

Kids in action

Yon, or JonJon, or Joanty as he is now fond of calling himself :) (because it took the nursery teachers some time to get used to JonJon. I don't know why since I didn't think it's that strange of a nickname, but Hidai said maybe it's better that he will be taken more seriously and be called by his given name. But seriously? Yon? he is the least serious person I know... So by now he made sure everyone knows to call him JonJon) is having the time of his life in nursery which in our huse is called JonJon School, because he is no longer a baby and he wants to go to school like Ron! He is so lucky to have a teacher that is all for messy play, because as Adrie pointed out to me - he is a tactile child, and wherever he goes he has to touch EVERYTHING. Drives me crazy sometimes (okay most of the times) but that is who he is, so we embrace it and send him to school. He is the only child in his nursery that goes home at 12:00, which was a huge surprise to us - both in where we lived in Israel and in Gibraltar most of the kids go home around noon. It never even crossed my mind that it can be any different. It took us a while (3 days) after discovering this fact, to go check how much it will cost us to have hime stay until 3:30 for most of the week. After 2 unpleasant talks with the unpleasant receptionist (I guess she isn't really a receptionist, but she does sit in reception) to discover that it is a valid option if we want to add 240 pounds to the 24 we are already paying to have him start at 9 and not 10 on Thursdays (still can't get over the fact that they stole 1 hour from us and we have to pay for it). So, 240 Pounds to have him eat lunch and take a nap? We did take like 3 minutes to think about it, but decided to invest them in more important things like Christmas gifts :)
I used to think Ron is the friendliest kid I know with his ability to befriend kids wherever he goes and have girls run after him. But Yon is unbelievable. Truly he is. He has most of the kids in Ron's class play with him every morning, and when it's time for them to go into school he has a goodbye ritual with all of them :). He is the same in his nursery (except that there he has to share sometimes...). This week when we bumped into a friend of his from nursery, Daniel, they started hugging and kissing like crazies :) so he has a birthday party invitation for sometime in November and we are hoping we'll get to know a few of the parents and can start organising some playdates for him because we never get to meet the other parents (because he is the only one finishing at 12) and I think he will enjoy it (I am sure I will enjoy it a bit less).
Thanks to Yon, we also had the pleasure of finding out how the NHS system works, and although it takes some time to actually manage and schedule an appointment, we took Yon to his first London eye check in Moorfields Hospital, and after 5 hours, 3 tests, 4 doctors and eye drops, were left with the diagnosis that the vision in his bad eye is better and the vision in his good eye is worse, because he would not cooperate in the first test - thew one in which he has to say what he sees. And the reason he wouldn't cooperate was because we had the worst ever person doing the test. She was so un-child friendly (or un-adult friendly) so he got really stubborn and would not budge. It didn't matter that he did everything else beautifully and was very cooperating. So now we have to take him to a new test in which they will test the back and bottom of his eyes to see how much he is using his eye, and if this test comes out fine then we don't have to worry so much if he doesn't want to cooperate for a while. They were all (except the one) very nice, and the Hospital is done beautifully and very much with children in mind. We also got a free pair of glasses because yon's were a year old and were too small for his head (I am telling you, he isn't even 3 and a half and already wearing 4-5 clothes...). So it took 4 more weeks to get this new appointment, but we now managed to have half of the appointment booked for the 18th of December.
Ron, who always stays Ron (or Ronchuk, but it does not work in English. Or outside the house) started an Arsenal football after school activity that I managed to find after a very very long search... He is enjoying it and together with school football he has at least twice a week of playing, but I have to say that it astounds me how less serious they take kids football here than in Gibraltar. It could be a London thing but there you have it - it is not serious enough. And I know that I sounds like one of those pushy mums but it frustrates me because when the football isn't serious than you don't get all the good things organised team sports are supposed to give you, and you are left with the idiotic thing of everyone wanting to score and nobody is passing. This Monday when they were playing, Ron took the ball very cleanly and nice) from another kid, who in return tackled him in a very ugly way while he was running, so Ron fell very hard straight on the floor on his face. It was a red card kind of offence. So do you think anyone took the time to teach the kids that this is NOT the way to play football? Or at least threw the kid off the pitch? No. Of course not. It's infuriating. It took me a logt time to calm Ron down, see that he still has all of his teeth and send him back out there. So no. I don't like how they teach or how they play, but I am only the mum. And football is a dad thing (and unfortunately it's on Mondays. The only day Hidai can't leave work early). Next week because it's half-term there is a different activity with a different coach in a different place (2 buses more than half an hour each direction kind of place), so I am thinking we will use Hidai's 2 days at home to take him there. Maybe it will be better...
The football at school is no better. Well, after we complained to the head teacher about the whole after-school activity thing it did get better, but only just. I don't get it. The school is great, really great, but the after school sucks. Well actually Ron loves it and won't stop going (he can because you only pay until half-term and then re-evaluate), but I was expecting a bit more than playing the computer, but I guess that is wh Ron likes it since at home he doesn't play on the computer in the afternoons... The school itself is great, though it is funny sometimes to see the difference a perspective makes - they are studying the pyramids and ancient Egypt at school. So I told Ron, you know, the Jews built the pyramids. Cause they did. It's a known thing. They were slaves in Egypt and built the Pyramids, and that is why we have Passover - going from slavery to freedom. Everyone knows that. And then I went to check it online... Well apparently the Jews did not in fact built the Pyramids. And might not even been in Egypt at all. And the whole Passover story is, well, a story. Oops. Never even crossed my mind that it could be. So I went back to Ron and said, well, you know how we talked about Jews building the Pyramids? Let's just say that it's a Jewish beliefe and not go tomorrow to school and tell everyone that's what happened...
We had the same thing with the creation of the world this week, though I did go straight to the Big Bang Theory (which on knew only as that really funny show we watched together...) and didn't do the whole God thing. Now that I think about it though I should because he will not learn it in school...
I have to say though that the curriculum is very good, and though I do think they can still advance him more in maths and science, they managed to interest him in the other subjects enough to write a made-up story of his own (a great great great accomplishment), they also have film club on Fridays and book club in which they are doing a guided reading of Narnia (we have it at home, but if you'd ask me I would probably say he is too young. So I guess it's good nobody asked). And the latest is that he joined the school choir, mainly because he wants to sing Christmas songs in the snow :) but also because apparently he likes singing. Who knew?
So he is loving school, has made lots of friends in his class, and has a BFF in Tyler (Even though I did ask Ron how to sell it, I am still not sure...), who after Ron nagged me for 2 month, and after I scrunched up enough courage to go talk first to his grandma because she is usually the one who takes him to / from school, and after a very very chilly response (not sure why but she does not seems to like us much), and then to his mum (talked to her 3 times now! So proud of myself. I know it sounds silly, and maybe it is, but you have to understand that nobody talks to us in school, and that, well, it's me. I hate conversing with people), will come to our house on Friday. It's the first friend Ron has over, since we moved here and since he is sharing a room with Yon. I really hope it goes well. I do have high expectations because Tyler is a really nice kid, and he also likes Yon, and I am really hoping we can finally have someone to talk to about life and school things here...

I guess that's it for kids things. In accordance with the baking craze going around our house and the UK and with the holiday season upon us we made Halloween baking this week - Halloween shortbread cookies (it's an Israeli / mine version. Not really shortbread, but for lack of another word) which the kids actually helped making (it did help that the cookie cutters are huge and the whole thing was done in under an hour, and also that Hidai was there to stop me from being too critical) and Yon took to nursery (huge success. He is so depressed he doesn't have more to bring), and Halloween cupcakes for Ron, who wanted chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing cupcakes (and although I did try, very hard, to change his decision and do something more interesting, refused flatly. Not even vanilla cupcakes, or orange icing.) so where is the Halloween you ask? well, they are sitting in a Halloween themed cup and have a tiny sugar-paste decoration on top, that Ron put himself and so was very proud of himself for making the cupcakes ;).

Yon's Halloween cookies (biscuits?)

Ron decorating the thousand cupcakes he took to class

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Lost

So I got lost for a bit, well maybe more then a bit. I've been feeling lost for a while now.
Which is, I guess, the main reason I haven't been here. I haven't even visit the Blog let alone wrote anything. I had 2 big meals, but other than that I haven't been baking, and for the past week I was sick in bed...

But now, as 2 trays of home-made croissants are baking away in my oven, I am starting to find my way back.

Life has been kind of hard on me for the last month or so, with lots of unanswered questions, worries, and doubts, which unfortunately for you, I am going to list most of...
First of all, my kids are all grown up. And they have one foor out the door. Seriously. Ron is 7 and yon is 3 something. It suddenly hit me - when Ron was Yon's age I just got pregnant with Yon. I can't even think about having another one, but it does makes me think about the fact that they are all grown up... Ron is in school (or other activities) until 17:00 o'clock 3 times a week, and Yon can be in nursery until 15:30 every day if I choose to pay (I don't because it's an extra 240 pounds a month) and anyway next year he will for sure go to school full time (I got his registration forms. Gets me every time), so I am beginning to suffer some empty-nest related anxiety, and for the first time in a very very long while I have a relatable group - the What Will you Do Now group. I haven't been part of a relatable group for so long, I'm not even sure if I like being a part of one...
But the thing is, the kids aren't all that old, and any place I carve for myself will ultimately be at their expanse because I will be less accessible to them (and to Hidai, and to my parents and to everyone basically). If I take the week I was lost and ill and wasn't paying enough attention as an example, then Ron went the whole week with torn shoes (really really torn. Shame on me), the HDMI on my computer broke and I was without one of my monitors for almost 2 weeks, we were missing some basic home things, and so on. You get my point. Things didn't happen. I was not in control.
The fact of the matter is, you can't build anything unless you are willing to go the distance. And I am not. I can't think of my family paying this kind of price, and just so you won't think that I am all about others, I am not all that good with long terms. In fact, beside Hidai (and obviously the kids), I can't even name one long term decision / responsibility / commitment I have (or ever took). So you're probably thinking about the move here, but even that isn't long term... I can't honestly look anyone in the eye and say "yes, this is our last move". When Ron finishes Primary School, he will have to start over in secondary school anyway. So who is to say it will be here / in London / in Europe? Not me. But I do have my coffee shop-patisserie dream, and even more than I hate commitments, I hate unrealised dreams. So I found myself frustrated - to bake or not to bake? I can start small, but anyway in order to get my name out there I will have to knock on doors and do stalls in fairs again and work very very hard. I did not feel ready for that, but I did not feel ready to let go of my dream...
There is no answer. Not an easy one anyway, so in the meantime I am working on at least having a baking Facebook page, baking new things, trying new techniques and sending lots of baked goods with Hidai and the kids.
Bureaucracy... It's amazing how much of it there is. And how quickly you forget it when it's done... So we are not done. We are still waiting for the Social insurance bills or whatever they are called here, so that I can pay them and finally become a tax paying citizen. We called them a couple of weeks ago and they said yes, it's on it's way... Still haven't arrive though. Without these payments we can't submit Hidai's forms to the Home Office to get his 5 years residency, and without that we can't leave the UK. so I know there are worst places to be stuck in, but the feeling / knowing that you are stuck here is just suffocating. And the knowledge that even though we are perfectly legal, and have every right to be here, and we did all that was required and on time, things are not settled yet. I hate it. It frightens me every time and all the time. I know it's baseless, since we did call the Home Office to ask everything and make sure we are doing everything by the book (we are), but still until we get the stamp in Hidai's passport and the ability to go outside the UK (which can take even 6 more months...) I won't be able to relax...
Settling in... So do you feel at home?  We've been here 3 months. Just 3 months. Already 3 months. And I have no answer to give.
It took us until Friday to feel comfortable enough to talk to Taylor's mum and invite him over. Ron has been asking for it for 2 months now... When we had grandparents here we went terribly lost on our way to football, which is located a convenient 15 minutes in the other direction... We have that alone feeling and no idea how things work around here, and life in general don't feel settled. On the other hand, we had 2 family dinners, we donated to the Paint Highbury Campaign and met some people from the building, we have regulars passing us and saying hello on the way to and from school, we went to a PTA meeting... We are settling in. It's just that it takes time. So much time. When we finished our first year in Gibraltar we summarised it as survival. Everything is life or death. I remembered it coming here, but I don't think you can totally remember what it feels like. Everything IS life or death.
Family... We are not really used to having family around anymore. It's been 3 years now (come December) since we left Israel, and normal extended family life with it. We get visits. But here we have Uri & Ev, and Jo & Adrie (they are technically speaking Ev's family but still...), and it's a fine balance that you need to find and not an easy one at that. What's more, we had our first grandparents visit which made it painfully clear how different life here are from life in Gibraltar, and how hard first visits are... It wasn't the easiest or funnest visit we had together, but it's one of the most important ones, because the first visit is always the visit in which the fantasy meets the reality, and the London visit turnes into the "Are you crazy? Oxford st. is 45 minutes from here by tube, and yon finished nursery in 3 hours form now..." so yea, we don't get to see a lot of London, certainly not without the kids...
And don't even get me started on the weather (don't mind the gray, mind the it's October how the f*&^%%ck is it 10 degrees?!!!! bit)....

So that is most of it, most of the reasons I felt lost and out of control. But life is, at the end of it, unreliable as it gets. So who is to know what time will bring? If you had asked me at an point if my life where will I be in 1/3/5/10 years from now I would have a great answer, which proved to be wrong every time. I stopped guessing. And stopped planning. Settling in is my main mission for this year, so I talked with Taylor's grandma and mum 3 times already, that is why we will go to the birthday party JonJon was invited to and that is why we will volunteer in the PTA. After that? who knows.

(Actually a bit of a too dramatic a finish. my mission - and I do choose to accept it - is to close the one month gap I have here this week, before the kids have half term and it's Halloween time)

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