Lost

So I got lost for a bit, well maybe more then a bit. I've been feeling lost for a while now.
Which is, I guess, the main reason I haven't been here. I haven't even visit the Blog let alone wrote anything. I had 2 big meals, but other than that I haven't been baking, and for the past week I was sick in bed...

But now, as 2 trays of home-made croissants are baking away in my oven, I am starting to find my way back.

Life has been kind of hard on me for the last month or so, with lots of unanswered questions, worries, and doubts, which unfortunately for you, I am going to list most of...
First of all, my kids are all grown up. And they have one foor out the door. Seriously. Ron is 7 and yon is 3 something. It suddenly hit me - when Ron was Yon's age I just got pregnant with Yon. I can't even think about having another one, but it does makes me think about the fact that they are all grown up... Ron is in school (or other activities) until 17:00 o'clock 3 times a week, and Yon can be in nursery until 15:30 every day if I choose to pay (I don't because it's an extra 240 pounds a month) and anyway next year he will for sure go to school full time (I got his registration forms. Gets me every time), so I am beginning to suffer some empty-nest related anxiety, and for the first time in a very very long while I have a relatable group - the What Will you Do Now group. I haven't been part of a relatable group for so long, I'm not even sure if I like being a part of one...
But the thing is, the kids aren't all that old, and any place I carve for myself will ultimately be at their expanse because I will be less accessible to them (and to Hidai, and to my parents and to everyone basically). If I take the week I was lost and ill and wasn't paying enough attention as an example, then Ron went the whole week with torn shoes (really really torn. Shame on me), the HDMI on my computer broke and I was without one of my monitors for almost 2 weeks, we were missing some basic home things, and so on. You get my point. Things didn't happen. I was not in control.
The fact of the matter is, you can't build anything unless you are willing to go the distance. And I am not. I can't think of my family paying this kind of price, and just so you won't think that I am all about others, I am not all that good with long terms. In fact, beside Hidai (and obviously the kids), I can't even name one long term decision / responsibility / commitment I have (or ever took). So you're probably thinking about the move here, but even that isn't long term... I can't honestly look anyone in the eye and say "yes, this is our last move". When Ron finishes Primary School, he will have to start over in secondary school anyway. So who is to say it will be here / in London / in Europe? Not me. But I do have my coffee shop-patisserie dream, and even more than I hate commitments, I hate unrealised dreams. So I found myself frustrated - to bake or not to bake? I can start small, but anyway in order to get my name out there I will have to knock on doors and do stalls in fairs again and work very very hard. I did not feel ready for that, but I did not feel ready to let go of my dream...
There is no answer. Not an easy one anyway, so in the meantime I am working on at least having a baking Facebook page, baking new things, trying new techniques and sending lots of baked goods with Hidai and the kids.
Bureaucracy... It's amazing how much of it there is. And how quickly you forget it when it's done... So we are not done. We are still waiting for the Social insurance bills or whatever they are called here, so that I can pay them and finally become a tax paying citizen. We called them a couple of weeks ago and they said yes, it's on it's way... Still haven't arrive though. Without these payments we can't submit Hidai's forms to the Home Office to get his 5 years residency, and without that we can't leave the UK. so I know there are worst places to be stuck in, but the feeling / knowing that you are stuck here is just suffocating. And the knowledge that even though we are perfectly legal, and have every right to be here, and we did all that was required and on time, things are not settled yet. I hate it. It frightens me every time and all the time. I know it's baseless, since we did call the Home Office to ask everything and make sure we are doing everything by the book (we are), but still until we get the stamp in Hidai's passport and the ability to go outside the UK (which can take even 6 more months...) I won't be able to relax...
Settling in... So do you feel at home?  We've been here 3 months. Just 3 months. Already 3 months. And I have no answer to give.
It took us until Friday to feel comfortable enough to talk to Taylor's mum and invite him over. Ron has been asking for it for 2 months now... When we had grandparents here we went terribly lost on our way to football, which is located a convenient 15 minutes in the other direction... We have that alone feeling and no idea how things work around here, and life in general don't feel settled. On the other hand, we had 2 family dinners, we donated to the Paint Highbury Campaign and met some people from the building, we have regulars passing us and saying hello on the way to and from school, we went to a PTA meeting... We are settling in. It's just that it takes time. So much time. When we finished our first year in Gibraltar we summarised it as survival. Everything is life or death. I remembered it coming here, but I don't think you can totally remember what it feels like. Everything IS life or death.
Family... We are not really used to having family around anymore. It's been 3 years now (come December) since we left Israel, and normal extended family life with it. We get visits. But here we have Uri & Ev, and Jo & Adrie (they are technically speaking Ev's family but still...), and it's a fine balance that you need to find and not an easy one at that. What's more, we had our first grandparents visit which made it painfully clear how different life here are from life in Gibraltar, and how hard first visits are... It wasn't the easiest or funnest visit we had together, but it's one of the most important ones, because the first visit is always the visit in which the fantasy meets the reality, and the London visit turnes into the "Are you crazy? Oxford st. is 45 minutes from here by tube, and yon finished nursery in 3 hours form now..." so yea, we don't get to see a lot of London, certainly not without the kids...
And don't even get me started on the weather (don't mind the gray, mind the it's October how the f*&^%%ck is it 10 degrees?!!!! bit)....

So that is most of it, most of the reasons I felt lost and out of control. But life is, at the end of it, unreliable as it gets. So who is to know what time will bring? If you had asked me at an point if my life where will I be in 1/3/5/10 years from now I would have a great answer, which proved to be wrong every time. I stopped guessing. And stopped planning. Settling in is my main mission for this year, so I talked with Taylor's grandma and mum 3 times already, that is why we will go to the birthday party JonJon was invited to and that is why we will volunteer in the PTA. After that? who knows.

(Actually a bit of a too dramatic a finish. my mission - and I do choose to accept it - is to close the one month gap I have here this week, before the kids have half term and it's Halloween time)