My Way

I miss baking.
I started writing this Post about 2 weeks ago. Because I did. I do. I miss baking. It grounds me. It makes me calm. It makes me happy. I find that whenever we move, I need to bake. So I miss it. And still, it took me a while to start baking again. Why? because I gave it up.
And it got me thinking about all the things we give up along the way. Usually it is done for a reason. More often than not, I guess, a good reason like health, or kids, or time with a spouse. But eventually you wake up one day realizing that a part of you is missing.
Why did I gave up baking? Because after you lose 13 kg (around 2 stones), you tend to want to keep them off. And when I bake, I eat. I am very fussy about baked goods, so it is very hard for me to find other bakers I like, that's why if I don't bake it myself, chances are I won't eat it.
But I miss it.
It might not even be the baking itself, but the sense of accomplishment, of purpose, of creation it gives me. I usually don't like life choices related regrets and try to live my life in more of a Had A Few, Too Few To Mention But More Than This I Did It My Way kind of way, but something about London and in particular this building complex that makes me ponder the road not taken, the have a proper job-get married late-don't have kids when you are 26 side of the road. And it's hard. Because when I look at my life right now, standing on the kids at home all day-no time for myself-no job I can talk about-no money to spare side of the road, it doesn't look appealing. More like appalling. And I know, because Hidai keeps reminding me, that it's a phase, it's going to get better, and the kids will go to school eventually. But honestly, I can't see it. And that is where baking comes in.
So I started slowly, because a) I am missing so many ingredients it's a wonder I could bake anything, b) it takes some time to get used to the oven, c) Hidai only lets me bake one thing at a time (something about having to eat too much cake if you can believe that).
And it was wonderful and hell at the same time. It gave me everything I wanted, and it made me anxious as hell. I guess that with the move here I need to find myself again, carve out a new me again. Who do I want to be this time? It is without a doubt one of my favorite things about moving to new countries, the whole new identity thing, the have no life before here thing. You can be whomever you want to be, share as little or as much from your past as you want. A clean slate every time. But the decision which person to be gets harder with time, and you leave more untold stories, more unknown history behind you.
What does that have to do with cookies? That was a big part of my identity in Gibraltar, and it is still an unfulfilled dream of mine to have a bakery, to learn more, to go pro.
Do I want it to be part of my identity here? it is already starting, and I feel an overwhelming need to prove myself all over again, that I can do it. That I am a good enough baker. That it is good enough that that is a big part of my identity. All the things I accomplished with my baking in Gibraltar are wiped off and the ugly side of the clean slate emerges - you start again.
So I bought ingredients (basics for now. Why is it so damn hard to find a good store to buy these things here???) and started baking again. it is going to be part of my identity here as well. Because it is a part of me I can not leave behind (and also, the kids will hate me if i don't bake for them).

Okay, so not a funny Post this one, and not at all the direction I was planning on taking with it, but there it is nevertheless. What I was aiming for here was a little lighter Post that will explain that food (okay, sweets. Okay, chocolate) and baking are a big part of who I am and that is why I am planning to start a different section of the Blog that will be dedicated to it in the next few days (or weeks. Tops).

And because it seems like an apt way to close - Frank Sinatra My Way