A Job Interview

"What kind of support system do you have at home?" was the moment I realized that the first job interview I've had in over ten years is most definitely NOT going to end up in a job. Unfortunately it was five minutes in, right after "why don't you have a proper CV?" and before "where does your English comes from?"
Yes. I had a job interview. I will say it again, really slow - I. Had. A. Job. Interview. I know, the mind boggles.
In my defence it really looked like one of those Karma / fate / God kind of things. Really did. It was one of those moments in life where you have to make a choice - do I jump or not. I always jump. Head first and without checking the water.
I mean, it was my birthday, the role looked really similar to what I want to do (and what I already do) in the Blog, I wrote an email saying I wasn't looking for a job, I don't have formal qualifications and I have nothing to show for myself except the blog, but would really like the job :), and got an interview invitation instead of a refusal. It all looked like it was one of those things that happens to other people, you know, the ones with the stories about how they accidentally or magically got to be doing what they are doing. These kind of things never happen to me. But this time showed real potential, it seemed like all the pieces were falling into the right place. So I jumped.
I spent the next few days studying the website, preparing a list of suggestions, improvements and questions, and mainly thinking of myself as an employee for the first time in over a decade. It was really weird, the thought of being an employee, of having a "proper job", of being "ordinary". I spent a lot of time in those early years of not having a "proper job" coming to terms with it, it took me a while to hold my head up high, to be able to look people in the eye and not be ashamed of my work-related choices (my "so, what do you do all day" post talks exactly about that). And somewhere along the way, bit by bit, and without really noticing it, I succeeded. No, that's not entirely true, I began to marvel in it. I love being extra-ordinary, I love having "a story", I love my different way of life. If I was better with people and stopped trying to avoid human contact as much as possible I am sure I would have been able to look them in the eye. It defines me, you see, the "self-employment in weird professions" I've done over the last decade or so. And I like it. But Yon is going to school full time in September (it will actually be October, but don't get me started on the topic), we could use the extra money (just the idea of being a two stable incomes household was so alien), it's a freelance part-time job from home (which are the only type of jobs I can even consider, and even those are bordering on "too organized" for me), and I finished all the Candy-Crush levels on the mobile app. It seemed like a good a time as any to try something outside my comfort zone.
So I jumped.
And on Sunday I got dressed in my only real young-professional (and totally not mummy) outfit and went on a 45 minutes trip to the interview (alone. Hidai & kids stayed home because Yon has been sick for the last four days. An unheard of record for any of my kids. Last night we were actually contemplating the A&E because none of them had EVER been sick for more than a couple of days).
The sunny sidewalk outside the Starbucks was where my fairy-tale story ended, and reality came back. I can't say that I was happy with the way I conducted myself during the interview. Can't say that I haven't felt the last ten years melting away, leaving me again a baffled young girl with nothing to her name. I have never been good in these interview situation, I am not good in front of authority figures, and I most definitely don't react well to belittling or patronizing human beings.
I lost them. All the right answers I prepared in advance, all my savvy comebacks, all my thoughts. It didn't help that the first sentence was an accusing "you didn't send me a proper CV". Which leads us back to the beginning of the post and my "support system". Why does a freelance part-time web editor needs a support system? Well, the answer is really quite simple. That's not the role. The role is a combination of PR, sales and marketing, and includes attending functions, parties, hunting for advertisers and being interwoven in the Israeli community in London. All of which are things that I am so so so so horrible at. And all of them things that were not in the written job description.
What do you do in this situation? How are you supposed to conduct yourself in a wrong-place wrong-time kind of situation? When it is all perfectly horrible - wrong job, wrong interviewer, wrong interviewee? What do you do when each question is more wrong than the one before?
What kind of support system do you have?
What does your husband do?
Where does your English comes from?
How good is your Hebrew?
Why don't you have a proper CV?
How much do you see yourself involved in the Israeli community?
How is your teamwork spirit?
Can you find advertisers?
Do you bore easily?
What other characteristics don't you like about yourself?
Will you work for less than the living-wage?
I don't know what other people do, but me, I like to say all the wrong things and really hammer the "never gonna happen" nail, but in a polite way. I guess that is why some of my answers included "We really are not big fans of the Israeli community", "I haven't worked with a team in more than 10 years, so I can't really say", "yes, I do bore easily", and my favourite "I can't say that these are things about myself that I don't like, but you might think otherwise. I don't like people of authority, and I don't react well to criticism".
We parted ways on that same pavement some 45 minutes later with a vague "it was nice meeting you, we will do something together even if not in this role", and a "you can email me if you need help with the settling in in London" on her side and a "sure, sure I will be happy to" on mine. But I won't.
We never know why we go through the things we do, all we get (if we are lucky) is retrospect. Hidai said it doesn't matter, because I jumped, I did something way-way out of my comfort zone, I took a risk and was willing to follow through. I am not really sure, mainly because I felt disappointed with myself, I would have liked to feel so much more poised, to be more matter-of-fact with the whole thing, I would have liked to feel that I used the last 10 years to grow-up. That I don't work in "proper jobs" because it's my choice, not because I can't get through an interview.
In the end of the day I don't know if this interview was a sign for things to come, if it was there to open my eyes to options I haven't thought about, to pave the way to other opportunities that will arrive, or maybe it was there to remind me, that I really like working for myself, that I am the only boss myself is willing to tolerate (and even that isn't a smooth ride).