The joys of boys

Everywhere I look these days I see people writing lists - 10 reasons for this, 7 for that, 8 things to say, 20 to do. The blogosphere has become list-crazy. And why not? Lists are fun, and you are able to generalize stuff without feeling bad about admitting things you otherwise wouldn't really want to admit. Want an example? As it happens, I have just the thing. Let's write a list about what "everyone" likes about sunny days. "Everyone" likes the way the sun impact the behaviour of guys. What do you mean how does the sun impact the behaviour of guys? The minute the sun comes out guys start to undress. I swear every sunny day I get to watch at least 4 different half naked young guys, usually cleaning (why do guys clean naked? why do I care?). That is completely not the reason why I work on my laptop that is facing the window and not the desktop that faces the wall. Totally not the reason. Anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah, lists. See what I did there with the whole ogling half-naked guys and making it appear totally acceptable? 
So I decided to write a list also, because I want to be part of the blogosphere, and also because I lead a very boring life and I figured there should be a limit to how many times I complain about Albinism, or bureaucracy, or about how boring my life is. So a list it is. I started out with this amazing list that reveal all the mysteries of the universe and the way to happiness. But then I remembered I found this type of lists so god damn condescending and ended up with a list about, as you might have guessed from the title of this post - life on mars. Which is in fact how I sometimes feel about living in my own house (hence the very common complaint of  - what the hell is going on in this house?! that I am known to shout in frustration to... No one in particular), or as a more flattering name - The Joys of Boys.
As you all know, I have two of those, three if you count Hidai (which I sometimes do, especially after I discovered he sneaked another annoying rock song into my playlist. Don't go anywhere I have to kill that song), and just one of me, so life sometimes feel like an anthropological journey into the unknown (and undeveloped). This is what I learned about living with boys:

1. Around the house –

• Boys are horrible at cleaning. Whatever you ask them to clean it will take three times the normal amount of time it should and will be done in half the efficiency, and anyway you will have to do that again after they finish. Unless it's their valuable guitar. Oh, then it's lovingly patting it, and gently wiping it, and putting it back after cleaning its surroundings with such care and delicacy. Still takes three hours for one task though.
• You on the other hand get the pleasure of cleaning the toilet (actually it's all the area surrounding it also, so let's say the bathroom) anywhere between 3 and 5 times a day, and that is on regular days.

Yon cleaning

• You get to have one laundry load for black, one for blue, one for grey, and your 3 red / purple / pink shirts that are never enough for one load.
• You ask them to do something. Say, bring their trousers so they won't go naked around the house. Reasonable request you would think, so after the half hour discussion about not going around the house naked, your highly intelligent child goes to his room to bring his trousers. He comes back with a zebra and still without trousers. Why? because he forgot what he is doing. It is not restricted to trousers unfortunately.
• The amount of food boys eat is not necessarily directly related to their age. More to the amount of chocolate / meat/ cheese/ chips in the dish. And in many cases it is negatively related to how long you wanted the dish to last - if it's meant for 2 days it will be finished in one meal. And vice versa. Also, boys eat a lot. A lot. 

Food!!!

• Boys sleep like they are teenagers, or in the army (or in college, pick your metaphor, but you get my drift) from the moment they are born - one hand under their head, one touching themselves, drooling everywhere, snoring at all ages, and hard to impossible to wake up. And when you try they snarl at you. Even when they are four.

• Boys like to go to the toilet together. But actually I think this one is also related to the next part - entertaining young boys, because they tend to spend long period of times on the toilet. Yes, for some reason boys learn at a very tender age that a toilet is a) a good room for playing and b) the best place to do your reading. 

2. Entertaining young boys –

• You get to learn all sorts of interesting facts. What, are you saying you don't find (insert any footballer name here)'s number, birthday, clubs history and number of goals & assists interesting? What do you mean what's football? 
• You get to know all of Bob's tractors, Ben10 aliens, and watch every talking animals show there is, but you have no idea what is Hello Kitty (seriously. What is it?).
• You find yourself really thinking about your pacifist views the first time your child gets a toy gun. On the one hand you always said you will never allow toys like that in the house; on the other hand – you can squeeze 10 minutes of quiet and maybe a cup of coffee out of that gun.
• You get to play all the Super Mario Kart you want and tell yourself it’s all in the name of connecting with your child.
• All they need for a fun day is that you throw them out the house with daddy and a ball. You have to just say the word "park" and they are at the door with shoes on. You on the other hand are never needed there, and so can get a couple hours of quiet to, you know, do laundry. And also feel guilty that you are missing your kids’ childhood.

• On the other hand, if the weather forces you to stay inside they apparently see hitting each other as a good way to pass the time.
• After a day or two of rain you have to take them outside or they start bouncing off the walls and running around the house screaming "ahhhhhhhhhh" just because, well, they already finished jumping on your bed, emptying all their toys and kicking a ball around to see if they can bounce it off the wardrobe (they can't).

 

• A kissing monster is a good way to get hugs and kisses from boys older than 3. Bribes also works. Boys learn at a very tender age that - mummy is an embarrassment, kissing is icky, especially at school, and hugging is out of the question. Unless you want something. Then they are all huggy-kissy creatures. Oh, also when sick. 
• On a match day it is advisable to go to a different room, close the door, and ignore any noise that comes out of the living-room. Boys tend to get slightly emotional at certain points of life, and no, it's not the birth of their first-born, or their wedding day that gets them all emotional. It's a football match. So you will probably hear shouting, screaming, fighting, more shouting, some crying, and it will end with some cursing. After ten to twenty minutes of quiet, when you gauge it safe to open the door and tentatively ask "how was the match?" you get the answer "great fun. We won". 

 

• Want to talk about your boys while they are in the room and without them eavesdropping? Couldn't be easier, just turn on the TV and stick them infront of it. nothing you will say from that moment on will penetrate the TV attention wall.

3. Talking to boys –

• You get to hear the answer "I don't know" to more questions than you thought possible. Want an example? Okay, this is a conversation that happened in this very house on Tuesday. Ron needed to learn the words of "Yellow Submarine" to sing in class on Wednesday. I told him to find the words online and we will print them. After a couple of minutes I ask him what's going on. He says, "I decided I prefer to write the words myself on a piece of paper" I ask "why?"  He answers, "I don't know". 
• So kids, they go to school right? Then they come back and you want to know how was their day. It does not seems like an excessive demand right? Or so you would think. It goes like this: "how was your day?" you get one of two possible answers - the well-rehearsed one that is the same every day and never changes, or the short terse "fine" with nothing else to follow. That is why every mum of boys comes with the abilities of a highly trained prisoner interrogator, and why those 15 minutes of walking home are super important, because what you couldn't get out of the prisoner by the time you got home will be forever lost. 

Walking home

• Every question you ask, even a yes or no one, or say a tough one like "what do you want for dinner?" will cause the recipient to look like a deer caught in the headlights, look around for an escape route or someone else that will save him, and when there is no way out, he will try a tentative "ahhhh.... yeeeeesssss? no, no, I meant no" to gauge your reaction. Even when you tell him there is no right answer. In a boy's mind, there is always a right answer that he doesn't know.
• Also you can always threaten them by telling them you are going to ask them how they feel. Ron thinks it's a form of torture, so I am not ashamed to say that when the "I'm bored" yell comes out of his room I tell him we can discuss how it makes him feel... There always seems to be some miraculous quiet after that...
• You really want to invest in your boys for the sake of all young girls everywhere, you really want to raise boys who are considerate to women, who respect women, who will know how to put the toilet seat down. But then he meets those young girls, and you meet some of those young girls, and then someday you find yourself telling them "you know girls, they like to change their minds" or "girls love talking about feelings" or "you know what, it's better if you let them chase you. Don't chase girls".
• I bow infront of JK Rowling who captured the essence of boys emotional range completely in this one one sentence - "A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode."
  "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," said Hermione."
• In the end of the day, when there is something serious to discuss and a point you really want to get across, you find yourself using sport analogies. Yes. Sport analogies. 

4. Shopping for boys –

• The correct way to check if shoes are a good fit – run to the other side of the store, hop on one foot back, try to kick your brother. Now, what do you think? The correct way to check if trousers are a good fit - run to the other side of the store, hop on one foot back, try to kick your brother. Now, what do you think?
• And in the end it doesn't matter – shoes will get ripped within two months, and all trousers have holes in the knees. With boys, it’s just easier to buy in bulk. It’s not like the next time you’ll find yourself in the store it won’t be in order to buy the same black / blue trousers…
• And if that is not enough, why do the people manufacturing kids clothes think I want to buy shirts with monsters, or explosions, or dumb saying of how dumb everyone, on them? Why can’t I find one that says, “I love mummy” on it? I am sure my 8 years old would just loooove it, don’t you think?

So yeah, list conclusion - boys are weird.