Don't worry about a thing

Ron wants an xBox for Christmas. And before you go ahead and think Ron is this materialistic child who asks for extravagant things, I have to explain -  I asked him to choose his dream gift, because after a couple of lean-Christmases, we decided to try for a more splash-out one this year (for the kids at least. Not sure yet about the adults). Anyway the reason I am telling you about this isn't because a new xBox One will cost us somewhere around 400 pounds (plus of course the mandatory Fifa 14), but because of the significance of two words - wants and xBox.

"xBox" because for me it means he is growing up. We have a Wii, had it since Ron was three years old (not the same one, because we bought a shiny red one a couple of years ago to replace the old black one). We bought it mainly because we like to have toys that we can pin buying them on the kids, but also because we thought (and still do) that out of all the game-consoles out there, this one is the least bad. It doesn't have all the graphic-violence, it makes you move while playing, and it is less... I don't know... Intense. The years went by and whenever we thought about moving on to a more "serious" game console, we ended up with those same reasons, and the conclusion that we feel the kids were still too young to move on. So the Wii stayed.

When I asked Ron what his dream gift for Christmas is, I was sure he will say it's a new iPad, because ours is a very old iPad1, and most of the games he likes to play require a newer generation iPad. But he said he wants an xBox. Because he wants better graphics for his Fifa 14. Because it's cooler. Because he wants to play against Match (the football magazine) and win. Because he is growing up and he want's a grownup console.
I guess I have to accept that he is growing every day, and is starting to move on from child to teen. I guess it is not his fault I still see that chubby red-haired baby every time I look at him.

"Wants" because Ron is one of those weird people who rarely wants anythings. It is so tough to get him to say what he wants, or needs or feeling. We have been working very hard with him on this, and that is part of the reason we invented the Christmas/Birthday Wish List, so he could write down in a safe place everything he wants. It rarely goes beyond the same six items. Even though I ask for about ten, so that I (sorry, I meant Santa) could have backups. I know you probably think it is a blessing, which it is when you are going to the shops and he really does ask for nothing. Never had a temper tantrum about something he didn't get. Never asks me for things that I have to say "I am sorry but that is too expensive", never feels like he is living without. But, first of all it is not that easy comes Christmas time, and second I worry (of course I do. I worry about everything) that he is too detached from his feelings (though his dad explained very politely that I understand nothing about boys when I used the term "connected to his feelings").

The problem is, that it is all connected, and all comes from his fear of being wrong. For Ron, no matter what the question is, there is a right answer. And when he is unsure what it is he gets stressed. That is why he doesn't deal well with open-ended questions (he also is not very good with yes/no questions. Nine times out of ten he will go for the yes, while Yon will go for the no), he is always afraid he is missing the right answer. It doesn't matter how many times we explain that we learn from mistakes, that it is ok to be wrong, that even mummy once got 34 in an exam (more than once, but he doesn't need to know that). Over the summer I gave him the Bond 11+ tests to try and help him learn how to deal with difficulties, and he was so hard on himself for scoring "only 85" in his first four tests. "This doesn't happen to me!" came the shout in repeat, drowning my explanation that 85 was our target. He is right, it doesn't, Because he has to be perfect. And perfection has its price.
This week we had a meeting with his teacher about his perfectionism and his subsequent stress levels. After she finished looking at us like the people who hit their kids with a belt for every wrong question they get in class, and after she was through telling us that maybe it is unwise to ask him how many questions he got wrong each day because we are stressing him out (actually we ask him "How was school today", and it took us a few years to get him to the point where he actually feels secure enough and tells us everything and not just a terse "fine" so no, we will not stop asking, but thank you for that parenting advice), she managed to understand that most of his pressure comes from within and that he has a hard time recognising stressors right now, so he needs help in verbalising them. Today on the way to school, when I reminded him to breathe and be as cool as a cucumber (which he finds hilarious), he told me he will put "an invisible wall around himself" so that he won't get stressed if someone is faster than him.
For him, it was an amazing step forward.
To finish with a flare, here is my baby singing a part of "3 little birds" (I did get his permission to put this here before. He said he is curious to see how many likes he will get :) ).