Learning to learn

Even with all the attention he gets because of his (still can't call his Ocular Albinism a condition. I've been staring at this screen for five minutes looking for a word to replace it. Disability sounds even worse. I will go with "needs") needs, Yon is still a second child, and I often feel guilty for neglecting him, for not giving him my full and undivided attention, for not giving him the same advantages I gave Ron. You see, he and I need to face those comparisons of "when Ron was his age", and both of us - Yon and I, always end up lacking. Because it is not easy being Ron's little brother, and if Yon doesn't know it yet, I am sure he will soon find out. Ron always wanted to study, and even if you didn't really want to teach him, he wouldn't stop until you taught him what it was he wanted to know. And as he was an only child for four years (at some points it seemed he will always be an only child) and I love teaching him, he enjoyed my undivided attention, my patience, and my teaching abilities.
And then came Yon into the equation, and Yon is different. Because no two children are the same anyway, and because he had to carve a different role for himself in the family, and because of his needs. Needs we weren't aware of until this year.
I tried so hard when he was younger to teach him, I used everything I could think of and none of it worked. He didn't want to learn. He didn't care about letters, or about numbers, or anything else. He loved his animals, and he learned to hide every little thing he learned so that we wouldn't know for sure what he knows. Where Ron always wanted to grow up, Yon enjoyed being tiny.

I had to give up. But I never lost the guilt that there is something more I could have done, and the worry - what if my child is.... Ordinary? What if, because he is the second child it is easier for me to just let him be and he loves his youtube and the iPhone and playing with Ron and his animals and his imagination games, than he won't develop as he should?
I didn't care that he could remember whole stories, that he can identify music from the first note, that he has an amazing animal-vocabulary and regular vocabulary, that he is friendly and smiley and has a great sense of humour and sense of irony, and a wonderful imagination and dramatic abilities. First of all because he still didn't want me to teach him letters, and second of all because I am against letting reality interfere with my guilt.
Then one day, without anyone knowing it, Yon decided he does want to learn his letters, so he used the iPad and all the ABC songs he and grandpa could find, and he learned the letters by listening to the songs and watching the clips.
I was so happy that he did, because at least he knew letters and won't be ordinary, but I still felt like a failure as a mother. What kind of a mum has a child who doesn't want to study with her? a bad mum, that's who.
And now for the point of the story (bet you thought I didn't have one). The move to Reception terrifies me. I am now very aware of all his different needs, I am very aware how new people sees them and him, how close we are to go back to new teachers attributing his behaviour to autism and not to his vision, how hard we all (including him) worked to get him to a good place and how easy it will be to deteriorate again. We had so many meetings in the school about it, we brought in our great advisor to explain, we talked to everyone who would listen (and those who wouldn't), we wrote emails, we did everything. And still I can see it in their eyes. They don't get it. They don't understand how Ocular Albinism works. And it scares me, more than I can articulate.
I am worried about all the things he needs to overcome when going to Reception, that together with his needs will make it even harder on him. We got permission to take him into the classroom before school starts so he can get to know the new surroundings, but that won't help with everything. It won't make the teacher or the routine or the other children any less new. It won't make his having to be in school full time and eat lunch there for the first time easier for him. It will all be so much.
And in the middle of all that how can we expect him to learn? to study? how can we??? We don't even know if his vision will permit him to learn how to read a whole word or a sentence, we weren't sure if he can learn how to write. How can I leave it to the school?
So I decided to teach him at home this summer everything he will need to know for school - letters, phonics, writing, numbers, additions, how to use the computer, etc.

I know you probably think it's too much. The school thought so too, but I will not let him be more stressed than he will have to be. I can't let his first encounter with the school system be a negative one. I want him to have confidence, to know he can reach the stars.
But I was afraid. I was so very afraid to even start. What if I fail again? What if I can't reach my own child? What if I won't find the right way? What if there isn't a right way beside auditory? What if he will refuse to learn with me and instead start doing all those things that make me still worry about him being on the spectrum?
I bought him the same booklets I used with Ron (English / Maths Made Easy), and a special keyboard and mouse, and started working with him on Friday. It has been 5 days since, and he loves it. HE LOVES IT. He enjoys playing the computer on his own, and prefers the English to the Maths, which isn't a big surprise (he loves letters, stories and songs while Ron loves his numbers), but he is willing to sit with me and learn. In the Maths he needs my help more, and we "write" the numbers together, and it is harder for me to keep him interested in the work, but in the English one he can hold his pencil correctly and scribble the letters alone.
And today he read a complete word for the first time.