Smart kids and lost innocence

My aim was to write a funny post this time. I know you don't believe me, but I was going to write a funny post. I was even going to open with a joke. I had it all planned out, I really did. Right until the moment were Ron came home from school in distress.
You have to understand, Ron doesn't have bad days at school. Ron doesn't do distress. It is so rare for him, that it can only mean one thing - a difficult question for me to answer.
He doesn't have small questions this child of mine. When he gets distressed it's because of things that I can't explain away easily. How can you explain away heartbreak? Or why Grandparents need to go back home? Or why there is teasing in the world? Or wars? And let's not forget that special moment where I had to explain about different religions, God, and synagogues. Yes, the day Ron came back from school with the notion we don't believe in God because we are Jewish will stay with me.
It's because he usually reaches his own conclusions, based on all the things he hears, sees, and imagines.
Sometimes, though, they're things he can't figure out for himself, and that is when I get the really tough ones. Yesterday it was about school. But as usual it was about more than that, it was about life, and it touched a chord with me that has been there for quite some time.
I am sitting here debating how to write what is in my head without sounding like I am exaggerating  or bragging, or too pushy. Ron's intelligence is, let's say - above average. He was always like that, and we have been worried about him since we figured out that he is like that. He is our eldest so it took us a while to figure that out. I know how it sounds, it's fine, I don't blame you. After all, we live in a society full of parents pushing their kids over their limits to achieve things that they (the parents) wanted, or to make everyone else feel inferior. We live in a society were kids are for show, and most of all they are a reflection of us as parents - if my child is smart it means I am a great parent. If my child is super-smart...
So you see shows like Child Genius on Channel 4, and you have shows like BGT, and everywhere you look you have little stressed out kids with pushy parents.
I do get them, the pushy parents. You really can't help it but feel that immense pride when your child does something that no other can. It is indescribable that pride, it's like nothing else, like no other pride you've ever felt before. Yes, I get them.
I also know that there is a very fine line between encouraging and pushing. That line is so very thin and frail, and you have to check yourself almost daily to make sure you don't cross it. It is so easy to cross it because these kids are pleasers and because you never know where you will reach the mental limit. It is so easy to push just a little too hard.
That is why we have a checks & balances system in place, and unless it's both of us agreeing that we need to push, we don't.
Having a smart child has its challenges, you need to encourage without pushing, you need to be able to answer all the questions, you need to still seem smarter than him, you need to make sure that he is not bored at school, that he has friends, that his emotional development is catching up with his abilities, that he has challenges, and that he gets plenty of positive feedback at school.
You need to give your child the ability to be his age and ten years older at the same time and give love, attention and encouragement to each of those sides.
We found a system that works for us, and at home he gets all the "extras" when school is off - he can read what he wants, do whatever level of maths he wants, etc. He gets a taste of the "more to come". During school terms he doesn't do extra work. Might read when he is bored but that's it. He has football as a stress-relief, his big love in life, and a challenge. Kids like Ron, I think, needs a place that forces them to work hard and not give up, because everything else in life comes so easy to them. Otherwise they will hit that wall someday without being prepared for it at all. Football, where you have to repeat every move thousands of times to make it perfect and where you have to learn how to lose and keep going, gives him just that challenge.
We do expect him to excel. You don't have to do all those extras - football, reading, maths. But if you do something you do it to the best of your ability.
And right here lies that fine line I told you about before. I don't think we are over-doing it. He doesn't read Shakespeare, just Lord of the Rings; he doesn't do secondary school maths, even though he could. But I do expect him to get all his answers right, and I do test him on what he read so I know he understands.
He does get a lot of extras at school (as much as they can), and he loves his school, but still I found myself worried about secondary schools, about maybe it's better to have him take a proper IQ test and have that letter that will make people stop looking at us funny. I want him to have every opportunity there is out there. Do I sound pushy? I hope not.
Anyway, I am rambling. Yesterday he came home distressed because he felt forgotten at school. He felt his teacher doesn't think he is smart anymore, that he doesn't think he is doing his best.
And it was up to me to explain to him that, yes, life isn't fair. I hate it when I can see a tiny bubble of innocence bursting when I talk to him. I make it a point to explain the truth to him, but why does the truth has to be so damn hard to explain?
I hated it when I had to explain to him that the educational system is aiming for the middle. For the normal, and therefore sometimes the kids that are not in that middle (in both directions) gets forgotten, and that it doesn't say anything about him, or about how his teacher sees him, just about the system. I don't like mediocracy, I don't like "systems" of any sort, and I hate it when I have to defend one. I found it even harder to explain to him why he can't and shouldn't showoff his smarts, why he should be okay with getting the same oral quiz as everyone else even though it's easy for him, but that way he doesn't stand out, and everyone else feels smarter. I explained about self-worth, and knowing who you are, I explained about the greater good. And I hated every word that came out of my mouth. I was angry. I was angry at the teacher, the school, the system, the society, I was angry at them all for making me hurt my little boy with an explanation about how being good doesn't mean you will get the recognition you are promised, about how being extraordinary sometimes means you are taken for granted. About how negative behaviour gets you more attention than good one.
Because it's Ron I can explain it, and he understands it. But because he is still 8 years old, he is still hurting.