Letting go

How good are you in letting things go? I am ever so terrible in it. I missed a TV show by Sarah Millican, who I find really funny, even though I did know about the show a week in advance and all it required of me was to set the Sky box (or whatever it's called) to record it on time. Yet I didn't, and as we were entertaining that night, completely forgot about it. It came back to me the next day. It's been almost ten days, and I still can't let it go. It's killing me that they hadn't put it on 4oD. Killing me. And you want to know the most idiotic thing of all? It's supposed to be bits from the DVD Sarah Millican - Thoroughly Modern Millican Live, which I've already seen!
I can't let go. I still get upset thinking about the university professor who gave me an unjust grade and wouldn't let me appeal (it's been about 7 years now), or the teacher that said I am cutting classes (even though I wasn't, but I decided that if she already thinks that, I might as well go ahead. It's only been 18 years since) or the email I got when I applied to a freelance work where I was told that I am simply not good. I still remember (with shame) the things I said and shouldn't have, the things I should have and didn't say. I am not good in letting go. After all I had this opening for a week now, and though I wrote two other posts, I still had to use it. Not good in letting go, in putting the past's misgiving behind me. Hidai says that is why I am not good with forgiveness. He is right of course (he also should heed his own advice and stop arguing with me, but he doesn't), I don't forgive easily, and I forget even less.
This is why when I do put things behind me, I expect them to stay there. It's only decent. But it's not always the case is it? We got a very unpleasant email about a week ago, that wasn't addressed to me, but still hurt, still made me sit down and look back at things that should be left forgotten. I hate this kind of emails, first of all because they feel like an intrusion into my home, and second because I let it go, I put the past where it belongs, so in order to deal with it I have to drag it back up, I have to remember. I prefer not to. In order to remember I have to look back, really look back, and let in so much ugliness and hate that it takes a few days to air-out the house. Thank God at least the weather is nice and we can open the windows and let the sunshine in.
We archived the email, opened the windows, and moved on. But it did got me thinking about this whole "letting go" issue.
I mean, it was fine if it stopped at grievances right? that would be normal (though a bit vindictive), but what about the things that shouldn't bother me? the things that you are supposed to just brush off and move on from? the things you read on the internet and has no relation to you at all? why can't I let go of those? like our Facebook "friend" who a few months ago posted his support for employers who don't like to hire women because "they might get pregnant at any given moment", and caused me to still not be able to look at his posts, or the childless woman in one of the groups I'm in who "just wanted to know, with no judgement why do women choose not to breastfeed even though they know it's the best thing for their baby?" and made my head explode. Why can't I let go of these? There is more, because at least these were in my Facebook feed, but why can't I let go of the idiotic "don't tell your daughters they are beautiful" instruction made by the woman's minister? I don't even have daughters to tell anything to.
Or the guy who went on the Telegraph to tell us all how he doesn't really like his kids and that all men wish they can spend less time with their kids. Why can't I just put him aside?
I guess it's the one common thing they all have together - the meanness of people. I know it's kind of naive but I never really got how or why people think it's okay to just be mean, and now I find I have to deal with explaining it to Ron.
I know some people will say (I know that because they said it. Not really a guess here) that I shelter my kids too much. I have never really allowed reality to enter life when the kids are around, I don't like them watching news, or knowing about wars and death and hate, or even watching those "nature movies" where an animal gets eaten. I don't appreciate the Israeli model in which kids get fed the harsh reality of life there from the cradle.
Judge me all you want. kids should stay kids. Kids are meant for fun, for a life free of worries, for magic and fairy-tales and for Santas. They are not meant for death and hate.
But reality is what it is, and as Ron is growing up, bit by bit I have to relinquish my control, and let reality in. In the last year I had to find answers to questions like why there is a war in Israel, why there is teasing in the classroom, why did one child insulted him, why does the girl he like doesn't like him back, how do we overcome fear, and more. I had to talk about stranger-danger, about private parts, about getting lost, about poor people and about fair-trade. I had to make sure the YouTube isn't showing what it shouldn't. I had to deal with growing up.
Truth is, every time one of those things comes up I immediately send the kids to Hidai to deal with. Or to the school. I never know what to say, how to explain reality and still keep the innocence. If it makes any sense, I want them to keep on coming to me for answers, but I don't want to be the one to burst their bubble. I don't want to give them the answers they are seeking, but I do it anyway. I tell them some about the world we live in, about the world we left behind, about what we believe in and what we don't believe in, because otherwise Ron comes back from school with all these weird ideas he concocted for himself, or he thinks less of us (he finds it really hard to believe that we did things, that we went to university, or that we know English or whatever).
It's funny how life works sometimes isn't it? There are so many moments in life that you want your kids to be older, to not need your help with dressing, or eating, or walking to school. But then when you get to these points, and your child grows up and doesn't need you anymore, all you want is for a little more time, just a teeny tiny bit of time for them to stay young, for you to not have to send them off into the world.
Yes, Ron has a field trip this week. No, it has nothing to do with my post... Ahmmm, nothing at all.