So, What Do You Do All Day?

This week I got asked the one question I absolutely hate being asked - "so, what do you do all day?" I can't remember a time in the last 10 years, ever since I left the mainstream career advancement path, that I did not hate or dread this question.
I had many answers over the years - studying, self-employed, nothing, laundry and Hidai's favourite answer "whatever she wants". For some reason none of those answers ever inspired anyone to take me seriously.
When people hear "stay at home mum" (which is in fact the short answer I learned to give to the "what do you do in life" question, because it's the easiest and a tried and tested sure-fire way to make sure they won't ask anymore questions), they instinctively think less of you. You either couldn't make it in the real world, or you lack ambitions, or - let's face it - you are just plain boring. They don't care how many University degrees and professional courses you have under your belt, how many languages you know, or how many self-employed businesses you had to this day. They assume you will just want to talk about your kids all day.
Which is true, I do prefer to talk about my kids than tell people what it is I do all day.

The truth is, I did not leave a big, important job, or a carrer path, or sacrificed whatever it was I wanted to do at the time for my kids. No. I left the mainstream world of working life 2 years before I even had Ron, long before we started trying to have kids. Before we even got married. Because the truth is I just did not want to be part of that world and I was fortunate enough to find a life-partner who loves me for all my crazy.

It took me years to be able to stand tall and face all the criticism and judgment and belittling comments, and say yes, I hate working in conventional things and places so I have my own thing; or that yes, I love studying really practical things that I will never work in later and unpractical things that no-one can ever use later; or just that yes, I don't work. Not unemployed, not looking for a job, not a stay at home mum, not a homemaker, not self-employed. Just not working.
But that usually leads to the "so what do you do all day" question.
And most people find what I do all day silly, or a waste of time or money, or just unimportant. So I stopped giving a straight answer, and am usually stuck with the laundry answer. And then they turn to Hidai (probably feeling sorry for him for having such a boring wife who spends all his hard-earned money) and talk to him as if I am not in the room, about "grown-ups" things like work, and meetings, and computers and internet. You know, things I don't understand anything about. These people will usually get a very long and detailed lecture about my kids. Just because I can.

But this time I was asked by a stay-at-home mum who is on a relocation to a different country. I said, what is easiest to say in these situations - well, Yon only goes to nursery until 12, so you know... Ask me in a year when he goes to school until 3:30pm. It was my reflex answer, and one I kind of regretted after, because I know first hand how many women feel guilty about being at home, especially if you have kids at school / nursery age and strictly speaking you could work like a normal person. I saw so many women over the years that found it hard to cope with the guilt over it, which sometimes led them to do things like have another baby just so they have a legitimate reason to stay at home, or tell people for years that they are "in-between jobs at the moment", or talk for hours about their old jobs, or blame it on their husband and kids. I met very few who were happy. I guess I should have told her the truth, that I do whatever makes me happy at every given moment (okay, maybe except for cleaning day). I should have said it's an opportunity to find whatever it is you wanted to do and put off for "later" and do it. I should have said life is too short for guilt.

I bet I know what you are thinking, because you will not be the first to think it, or to say it - that I am irresponsible, that I am childish, that I am very lucky Hidai makes enough money I can afford to be irresponsible and childish, that if I held a proper job we would not be in a financial "situation", that if Hidai leaves me tomorrow I will not be able to get any job because I am unqualified for... Anything, and the killer - what kind of an example are you setting for your kids? and I guess it's all true, to a point. You know what, I spent years defending my decisions, years wasted in explaining and answering all those points above, years of hearing people criticise my life choices behind my back and to my face. And in the end I stopped. Stopped explaining, stopped defending, stopped telling people what it is I do all day.

But if you must know, I hope that this is exactly what I teach my boys - that the sky is the limit. That you should go for what you want and realise every last one of your dreams. That you can do whatever the hell makes your life happy at the moment. And that yes, you pay a price for your choices, but everybody pays a price. Just choose whichever price you can afford.

So what do I do all day these days? well, Yon goes to nursery till 12...

A big part of what I do all day...