January Blues

Last week of January. We are so so close to end this miserable month. You can almost feel the February in the air... I can't believe we've made it. I have come to the conclusion that I need to replace August with January as Worst Month of the Year. Up until now I always thought of August as the Worst Month because, you know how it is - 2 kids at home from school for the second month mixed with sweat, heat and boredom that are suffocating every corner of your being. It is like an endless desert with no oasis in sight. But being in a country with no summer to speak of (no, 23 degrees Celsius on average do not constitute a "hot summer"), I am starting to see that the problem might actually be the winter. The long dark, drab, very cold days with no real warm sunshine or happiness in sight. Add to that the health & money issues and what do you get - a sucky month. That is why I hereby officially crown January as The Worst Month of the Year.

But we've made it. We are in the last week of January. And what's more, we've managed (barring any unexpected thing that has to happen this week of all weeks) to complete our mission - we survived January on budget. It was a miracle, on some days it seemed impossible, but we did it! I am so excited about it (I know, you couldn't tell), firstly because it means that our plan to end the "financial situation" we have going on is working, second because it means all the efforts and sacrifices we've made this month payed off (we had to go through the emergency-chocolate stash. Yes we have such a thing. Surprisingly it contained good stuff), and third because, well, truth is I usually don't like budgets. I don't do budgets very well. It goes hand in hand with the fact that I don't react well to any attempt to... How do I put it... Tell me what to do. I have what you might politely call a problem with authority. It's not a secret, nor is it anything new really. It also not something that I have made an attempt to cure over the years, and usually leads me to want to do the opposite of what I am told (I know how childish it sounds. Trust me). Instead I found Hidai, and he never tells me what to do (or to relax. But that is a totally different personality disorder). Back to the budget thing people, I also don't like numbers. And before you nod your collective head in pity, I will just add that I do have a University degree in Economics (I do like to study). I do know how to do the numbers, I understand how all those tricky little words and signs and numbers and letters work. I can do all the math / money/ stock market analysis and decisions. I just don't like to. So instead I found Hidai.
But this time around, the budget thing gives me a sense of control, and that sense is what I lack, and exactly what I need so badly right now. It is amazing how much of it was lost over the last year or two, and how hard it is to get it back. With the risk of repeating myself, I am not were I wanted to be in terms of moving on, and some days are worse than others. On those days you can actually see the other shoe starting to drop. Having any measure of control, small as it is, makes it easier to deal with all the rest. It makes me feel that I am in fact on the right track.
Also it helps to have a clear concise goal in mind, oh, and for it to be short-term (already revealed my long-term anything issues. God am I turning out to be a real screw-up in this post?!), so we set the first goal - reach February on budget. And we did! Now we can move on to the next stage, and this way when we close our full year here we'll be able to look forward again.
I feel like I have to add something here, I know the money thing comes up a lot in the blog, but the truth is it's just because it's a hurdle to overcome, and I am actually not really worried about it. I am worried about so many other things in London and in life, that if I can take one off the list, I'll do it happily. Some will (and did) say that we live our lives unrealistically in that regard, that the way we treat money is, well, wrong.
But you know what? I don't care. It's our way, and if it's wrong for some, then so be it. We've always been the part of the family (in both our families) that doesn't have a lot of money. Over the years we, in some occasions, needed help. We've made choices that cost us money, we have savings and we have debts. But both were usually a conscious & mutual decision, and for us having money is not the center of the universe, money has always been a mean not the goal. Living is the goal. Being kind and generous and honest is. In the end of the day, we made sure the kids are and always will be fine, and that we do not take for granted the help we received when we needed it.
And give back when we can.

Lately we've been in a reflecting mode. I guess it has something to do with being stuck in the house for days, or with the holidays ending and end of year summery, or all the current and past family dramas we have, or with the fact that it seems like a lot of people are getting married / planning kids nowadays which led us to look back at our choices and lives. The thing is, life is a journey. You have your good times, you have your bad times, and you have the people that walk some of the distance with you. These people will usually surprise you along the way. Some for the better and some for the worst. And lately I've been thinking about the people that surprised us for the worst. Our reflecting led us to a conversation about time and wounds, and about things that are unforgivable. The sad truth we discovered when we looked back is, that yes, there are some things that are unforgivable in life. And it's not even the murder/infidelity kind of things that you would except it to be (sorry, no big secret in our closet...), sometimes it's just things that could have been fixed for a time, but weren't, sometimes it's things that an apology after a while will not fix, sometimes it's things that go against your belief system. And in the end you keep on going, and you leave it behind, you leave them behind, and there is no way to bridge this gap, time does not heal all wounds apparently. It just makes them into scabs. It's like a broken limb that wasn't set properly - it heals, but it will never be the same.
But then again, some people surprise you for the best. Sometimes along the way you meet people that turns out to be great people, that will not let you fall. People that become your family, that go a very long distance with you. People we cherish.

So where does this leave me? well, in a totally different place than I thought I will be. In a place that wants to say thank you. Thank you to all the people that helped us along the way, to the people that were there for us whenever we needed and with whatever they could. To all the people that are our friends and family. We truly do cherish you every moment of every day.