How to explain disability to kids?

How do you talk about a disability? When is the right time to start explaining to your child that he has a disability? When is the right time to start explaining to your other child that his brother has a disability? What do kids understand when you try to explain away a disability? And how can you make sure they don't end up defining themselves through that explanation? I think these questions haunt every parent who has a Special child. Some day my child will come to me and ask me - why? Or worse, he will hear something from someone else and then will come to me and blame me for not telling him sooner, for not making sure he is ready.
I am not different here, why would I be? It is one of my biggest fears having Yon hear something about his Ocular Albinism from someone else. Having him subjected to the "albino" or "blind" or worse name calling, having him think he is less. And on the other hand the possibility that it will happen is so slim. He doesn't look albino, or blind. Just sometimes weird and funny. So why would I rush it? Am I not running the risk of doing more harm than good if I rush to explain to him things he isn't ready for and he doesn't understand?

For his part, Yon never asked us why he needs glasses. He has his glasses since he was about 10 months old, and always loved them. They are a part of him as any other body part, and never stopped him doing anything he wanted, so he never really questioned their presence. Lately they have even become his "special feature" - Ron has freckles (or spots, in Yon speak), I have glasses - which have made them even more desirable. We tried to ask him why he needs his glasses, and his answer was short and to the point - because I love them.
He seems happy enough with that explanation, and in fact refused to accept any other explanation for a long while. So are we wrong to leave it like this? We did try to explain to him that he needs them because he sees less well than Ron, and so the sun won't hurt his eyes. As a reply he told us that the sun warms his toes and he needs to take his socks off. Classic Yon for "I am not going to discuss this with you so all you will get are random sentences that will annoy the hell out of you".
We took him to meet other children with Albinism at our Outreach program, and he really was very happy there, but other than "he has glasses like me!" he didn't see any resemblance between him and the other kids, nor did he care why he is going there, or who they are. He just enjoyed playing games and running around.

But then there is Ron, and here is where the story becomes much more complicated. Because Ron needs the answers. He hears us talking, he goes with us to the Outreach program gatherings, he comes with us to hospital, he has the need to know everything anyway.
And so we explain some of it every time, but it is so hard for him to really understand, and we try to keep it on the "not really serious" side of things because he also has a tendency to worry too much and whenever Yon hears his name in the conversation he has to start talking, mostly about unrelated things, so it makes having a serious conversation a tad harder.
Then we sat down to eat and Ron heard us talking about wanting to take Yon to watch a football match and needing to find tickets in the first row, and our letter to the disability team at Arsenal to get that, and he started asking us questions about Yon's eyes, and what disability is, and he was really intent about it and about the fact that Yon won't get any better. He is studying about the body and so he wanted to understand the mechanics behind Yon's condition and its name and he found it really baffling. I understand why it is weird to comprehend the fact that Yon really doesn't see well because he isn't accident prone and he doesn't let you feel that he has a problem or difficulty. And why it is tough to understand how his glasses don't really help him, or what 40% vision means.
So we told him he really doesn't need to worry about all this, and that it is fine to not really understand everything, and he looked at us and said "I want to understand more about Yon's eyes because I want to be able to help him".
And melted our hearts.

I hope you enjoyed reading the post :) I would really appreciate two minutes of your time and a vote for Best Writer (and best blog if you are so inclined) at the MAD blog awards -
Just press the photo and copy in my URL - http://londondegani.blogspot.co.uk
Thank you very much!

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The Great British Budget Challenge

I am, as usual, a bit late to the party but this time I have a very good excuse. I have been terribly sick for about two weeks and spent my time in bed and with no internet connection. I am still on my way to feeling human again, but I really wanted to tell you about something so I am taking time off from being sick to tell you about this project I am happy, though a bit surprised, to be a part of.
YourWealth.co.uk have launched a campaign to help Britain stay on a budget in February. Now, I know what you are probably thinking, because I thought the same thing - February is a short month so if you must find a month to pledge some life-changing thing in February is your best bet. All the people who choose January just set themselves up for failure with its 31 long days and depressing weather. February is your best bet, after all it's almost the end of winter, it's short and you have Valentine's Day in the middle as the best excuse for breaking your pledge without feeling guilty about it. We really wanted to stay off chocolate and booze but, you know, it's Valentines.

Which obviously leads everyone here to understand the massive amazement at choosing me to be a part of a budgeting campaign. Truth is I am not a budget person, I don't enjoy finding ways to save money, I don't live a thrifty lifestyle, I avoid talking or thinking or dealing with money as much as possible. Also really enhances the irony of the fact that I have a degree in Economics. For years we lived on what you might call a loose budget, that never really held together. We were young, we were naive (you can call it stupid), we looked ahead and all we saw was a huge amount of years were things will sort themselves out.
In our defence we didn't really had much choice, because after all we did need to eat sometimes, and life in Israel did not allow you to both eat and pay rent. We were never really extravagant or lived beyond our means you know with fancy holidays or designer clothes. It was just that we were a young couple with a child, I was studying in uni and we were both working (Hidai full time and I part time) and we still couldn't quite make it to be enough.
And then comes the question - is that really it? Are we supposed to live in semi-poverty for the rest of our life? In Israel if you say you want more, no, that you deserve more than being able to buy food and pay the rent at the same month, people look at you and sneer. You don't deserve more. Life is not for having fun, life is not so you can actually see your children grow up, life is not for you to enjoy. Life is to win the contest of who suffers more.
You see, we never lived like that, and though I was never really sorry for the things we spent our money on, we did get into debt.
To be honest, when we were young the debt didn't bother me much. Neither did living on the edge of our financial rope. But the years do go by, and faster than you imagine when you are in your twenties.
And today, after seeing how far and how fast things can fall, and after being on the verge of loosing everything, the problem is that once it happens to you, you can never again say "it won't happen to me" or "it will all be ok". And I no longer look at the money we owe in the same way. I no longer sleep well at night knowing we have debt.
I am still not a budget lover, I don't think I will ever be. But for the past year and a half we have been living on a budget, and have started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We are in our mid-thirties now, it is the time to start thinking ahead about pension, about university tuitions, about where we want to go and what we want to be able to give our kids when they grow up. It is our time to start planning ahead and to make sure we will not be in a position where we can fall.
Life, and I say it a lot lately, takes you through a journey you can't foresee. It leads you down paths you never imagined, and it throws things at you you really didn't think it will.
Budgeting is a horrible word, just like dieting. It reeks of no's, of poverty, of abstinence.
It is also the only way to sleep peacefully at night.

If you want to be a part of the Great British Budget, and I really recommend you do (and no, they really don't pay me to say that), just press this link and join. They have a budgeting tool, tips and advice, and prizes to be won throughout the month of February.

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The Other Breeds of Guide Dog: Assistance and Companion Dogs

Guide dogs are a subject very close to my heart, first of all because when I was young we had a beautiful labrador who didn't quite make the cut for being a guide dog, but was the gentlest soul I had ever known. He was the kindest, nicest, most loving being on earth, and was so much more than "just a dog" for me. For the first time I understood the what these dogs can give people, and it is so much more than just eyes. He died more than fourteen years ago from cancer and left us all heartbroken. Lately he has been on my mind, because of Yon. I am known to worry mire than I should, and also well in advance, but I look at Yon and I have no idea how to teach him to cross the road safely, how will he be able to walk alone at night, or in places he doesn't know well, or go on the right bus... All these questions have been haunting me for quite some time, and lat month we had a conversation with Yon's advisor and she said he might need some visual aids for these things. She meant a cane. Or a dog. To be honest, I hope he doesn't. But he might, and between those two options I thought I prefer a cane. It's easy, it's portable, It's foldable. It's so much less conspicuous.
The thing is, a dog is so much more than a cane, and the help it gives you does not end when you get home safely. I have no idea how it feels having to depend on someone or something else in this way, I  really hope Yon won't need to learn how to either.
But after that conversation I did some checking on guide dogs, and when Bolt Burdon Kemp contacted me and offered to write a guest post to explain about all the good guide dogs can do and the wonderful ways in which they can help, of course I said yes.

Guide dogs aren’t the only type of man’s best friend that can provide aid, support and relief to those who need a helping hand. Increasingly, specially-trained dogs are being used in cases beyond visual impairment, to work with people whose conditions may not even have overt physical symptoms. Instead, people who have suffered from traumatic brain injury, epilepsy or seizure victims, as well as those who need assistance with mobility, can also reap the benefits of having an assistance or companion dog at their side.For those who have experienced a traumatic brain injury, the side-effects can be extremely wide-ranging, and as such they may need both physical and emotional support. In these cases, assistant dogs are ideal, as they can be trained to not only perform routine tasks and assist with practical chores, but can also provide a level of emotional help as well as potentially, in the case of those at risk of seizures, alert their owners of an impending episode.

Traumatic brain injuries could result in the victim becoming wheelchair-bound due to reduced motor function. This in turn would require them to receive the same assistance as someone seeking a mobility assistance dog, and the dog's help could revolutionise their life. The dogs are rigorously trained to give practical help for the everyday lives of someone who is not as able to move around. For example, they may assist in small actions that we may take for granted - opening or closing doors, picking up dropped items and turning lights on and off. However, they can also help with more complex tasks such as dressing and undressing, and even loading and unloading the washing machine – making them invaluable for the tasks necessary to live an independent life. Physically instructing the dog with small movements can also help to develop coordination and muscle functions in a gentle way.A traumatic brain injury could also result in the victim being prone to fits, or epileptic seizures. Fortunately, some assistance dogs are also trained to support those with this condition, either as a result of a TBI or otherwise. It has been said that these dogs can alert their owner of an impending fit at least 10 minutes prior to it occurring, and can assist them in finding somewhere safe before it occurs. There are also dogs that are being trained specifically to alert diabetic people about the same issue. Finally, many people who have experienced a TBI will be left with emotional issues. An extreme head or brain injury can leave the victim feeling isolated and lonely, perhaps because they are self-conscious of the after-effects they may be experiencing (which may include speech difficulties, memory problems or a lack of concentration.) In these cases, a companion dog can make a world of difference by providing them with a loyal companion to help them overcome their loneliness.Having this company can also improve confidence and communication skills, as it provides an ice-breaker for conversations as well as the need to communicate with the dog to instruct and guide it, which all helps with developing speech. The presence of the dog can also be extremely calming for someone who may feel anxious or stressed during their recovery, and having them there can help to ease these feelings. Therefore, the after-effects or symptoms of disabilities, brain injuries or epilepsy diagnosis can be eased or improved as a result of the presence of these dedicated animals. Those who need support due to serious illness or injury, which can range from help with day to day activities or companionship and distraction from their condition, can benefit from an assistance or companion dog in a variety of ways.

Life isn't always what we expect. Sometimes it goes in ways we can't predict, and some times we find ourselves in places and roads we never thought existed. I know that for me, this road we walk on with Yon is one of those unexpected-never dreamed of roads. And one of the hardest lessons for me was to ask for help. Sometimes this help is in human form. Some times it can be a dog.




This post was written in collaboration with Bolt Burdon Kemp.

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NatWest First Saver and Growing Up Fast

A few weeks ago I got invited to participate in making a video for the new NatWest First Saver account for under 16s. When I say "I" what I really mean is Ron, since they wanted to interview children to see how much they know about money and savings. To tell you the truth I wasn't really sure if he would go for it. Ron is quite camera-shy, and talking to a stranger on camera about things he doesn't really understand did not sound like a recipe for success to me, so I was as surprised as anyone when he wanted to go for it. Yon of course was not invited because he is too young but still found himself in the middle of it all and participated happily without knowing anything about anything.

I guess it's true that the way we raise our children derives straight from our own childhood, the ways in which we want to be like or the exact opposite of our parents (and the way we perceived them), the scars we carry with us, and the lessons we learned from it. When it comes to money it becomes so much more difficult because it is tied so closely with our upbringing, our parents, our demons and fears. Money and food are the two most difficult things in life to get a handle on, the two things in which we want to be sure we raise our children to be better than us, and the two things in which there is no one right answer.
We have made our decisions about how we want to raise the children before they were born, and we knew for sure and without a doubt that we do not want them to have pocket money, or bank accounts, or knowledge of what things cost or what is "real" or "fake" merchandise. We also decided that they will have no knowledge of "rough times" or feel like they are lacking or missing something.
On the other hand, we never intended to raise lazy, pampered slacks who thinks they are entitled to everything just because they said so.
It is a very fine line to walk on but walk on it we did. We've managed to explain budgeting, and earnings, and donations, and selling things, and volunteering without using quantities of money and (hopefully) without ever letting our boys feel insecure about our financial situation. But you know how it is that you blink and the kids have grown a couple of years? I so often feel that's what happened with Ron, and when we got this NatWest invitation, after I managed to close my mouth from the shock of him actually wanting to participate, I used the opportunity to really discuss the subject of "money" with him. It's surprising what kids see as "a lot of money", and his answer regarding how much he thinks the new xBox he wanted for Christmas really cost was priceless (actually it was priced at less than a 100 pounds).

What Ron took from our conversation was the understanding that things cost more than he thought, and that it takes time and effort to make your budget stretch so you can get everything you want. He loved learning all about savings and loans and stocks. He loved it because it's maths, it makes sense for him, it all relate to what he likes best - numbers and patterns.
What I took from our conversation with Ron, beside the fact that he is growing up so quickly it is sometimes scary, is that it is time to start thinking of a change. I am proud of the young teenager he is so fast becoming, and he announced he doesn't want for anything, and is not ready to have pocket money yet, though he wants to open it to renegotiating when he is 10 years old. Still it is time Hidai and I face the next stage of our parenting and start moving toward the teen years, and what we think a child should be equipped with when you set him loose into the world. Money is a big part of it (knowing how to do the dishes and the laundry, clean your own toilet and cook some basics is another part). He should be able to handle a basic budget, he should be able to learn what it means to save, to invest (if he wants), to spend. He should be able to do all these things safe in the knowledge that he has a safety net and it is not really a life or death situation.

How do I combine all these with my desire for him to keep the belief that money is only a mean and not the end? How do I teach him that it is more important to be able to give, to be a good person, to do what he loves and that money comes and goes? How do I teach him what everyone learn too late - that time and not money is the most valuable thing a person has? How do I teach him all that and still teach him to be, as people like to say, "good with money"?
I guess NatWest gave me a starting point, and a wake up call.
And also a very nice piggy bank which Yon stole and is now a part of his animal collection.

And here are Ron & Yon in the Natwest ad (they have the closing statement so worth waiting for) -

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Spread a little happiness (#spreadalittlehappiness)

A few weeks ago the lovely Jocelyn from The Reading Residence contacted me about taking part in a blog flash mob and spread some happiness around. Of course I said yes, because how can you possibly say no to the wish to spread some happiness? Then the not any less lovely Jeanette from Autism Mumma invited me to join her linky "You are my sunshine" that, you know, spread some happiness around. Honestly, I have no idea how they both came to think that I am any good in spreading happiness but of course I said yes, because how can you possibly say no to the wish to spread some happiness? I am sure you can guess what happens next, because life is funny like this - nothing good or happy or funny.
Well, thinking about it now, maybe that isn't completely true, it is January 27 after all. And that means one very big and very happy thing - we have survived yet another January. The longest, saddest most depressing month of the year is nearly finished, and it will be one whole year before it will be January again. We have passed Blue Monday, the end is near (and so is the next payday) and the last few days of January are the perfect time of the year to try and find some cheer I guess. In fact it reminded me that last year I made a January Happy List intended to do just that - reflect on all the things that were good and happy in January, in the hopes that it will lift my spirit enough to forget the fact that February really isn't much better than January. Though it does have something going for it - it is 3 days shorter than January.

New year photo - bring on 2014!

So here it is - January, the good bits:

1. I read two books. You might think that 2 books really isn't all that much, I know some people have joined a 52 books challenge, but compared to last year's 5 books all year (that should really read no books all year), I went for a book a month goal, just because as I saw it, reading means I have free time for myself. I managed two in January, which puts me ahead and also is good because there is no way I can read a book every month, and now I have a month free of reading-pressure. Unfortunately what it also means is that I haven't been sleeping well, because I don't really have time for myself, what I do have is a Kindle and insomnia. But we are focusing on the good things.
2. I discovered I don't have a serious medical problem, as in MS. Only some weird structural things in my neck. And with that I am finished with the NHS and physiotherapy.
3. I got a new MacBook which I absolutely love. And with a nice discount from Apple and selling my old one, it only cost me a quarter of its original price. And the best thing about it - it actually works, and when you want to open the photo editor while still listening to music and keeping the Safari open, because I am irrational like that, it does not hold out a note saying "are you kidding me?!"

Me & my Mac

4. I started volunteering in the boys school. Since the beginning of January I volunteer at school once a week and help prepare children to the Bond 11+ exams. I was under "new staff" in the last Governor's report. It is something I have been thinking about for a while and am very happy I had the courage to set up. It also really made me appreciate teaching and teachers much more. And I only have 5 kids in my club...

My room at school. I have a badge and everything.

5. I was in Good Housekeeping Magazine, in an article they wrote about our visit to Parliament and meeting with the PM.

6. The kids went back to school, and did very very well. Ron got lots of praises for his writing, and got to read a poem in the special assembly they had for students and parents.

7. Ron and Hidai went to see Arsenal win, which is good for everyone - for Arsenal, for them, and for me because I got a few hours of quiet and two happy boys.

8. Yon learned how to play on the xBox. It is so much easier for him than the Wii. He got an animal game and got the hang of the driving game really fast. I know people say you shouldn't be happy and even more than that you shouldn't encourage your kids to play in these electronic games, but with Yon's vision the fact that he can see the courser, and manage to operate the games is nothing short of amazing.

Yon driving

9. I lost 2.5 kilos since I started Weight Watchers again on the second week of January. I know it doesn't read like this from my Friday Diet series, and though it has not all been a smooth ride, but I am starting to feel better and look like myself again.
10. We've started a new "Movie Night" tradition every Saturday evening with the boys, and it's really fun having an excuse to actually take the time to watch movies, and especially ones that can only be classified as guilty pleasures, or more accurately "all the movies you are too ashamed to admit you want to watch". This week for example we watched Pirates Of The Caribbean. Only problem is, there is no popcorn. Or wine. Or chocolate.

And last but by no mean least, in fact it should have been first, because it makes me smile every time they do that - I got the boys to sing. On camera.

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Week 3 - defeating the app

Diets make you into a liar. Have you ever noticed this or is it just me? Maybe a lier is too strong a word, but for sure they turn you into a conniving person. I mean, I like to think of myself as a generally honest and law abiding person, and though it is true that I might evade a question or go with "refraining from telling is not the same as lying", or "white lies are to make people feel better, so it's not technically lying" I would never lie to a direct question. And here I was this week trying to lie to an app. An iPhone app has turned me into a lier. The Weight Watchers have bested me. How? With one MilkyWay.
Yes, all it took was one MilkyWay for me to lose any shred of self respect and self esteem I still possessed, and turn me into an obsessed backbone-less creature who only had one thought in its tiny brain - Need chocolate. Now. What's the problem? you are probably wondering, like any sane person would. Well, a fun size MilkyWay weighs 17 grams. I had a full size one, that weighs 22. A fun size one is 2 points, while a full size one is 3 points. And all I was willing to give that MilkyWay were 2 points. This is when I learned the important rule of WeightWatcher -a point is a point, but it has a range of weights. Because apparently while it is true that a fun size one is 2 points, it is still 2 points all the way to 21g. And mine weighed 22g. Yes, I stood there with a knife and a scale, and cut off 1g of MilkyWay, and yes I did feel as stupid as it sounds. Do you know how big 1g of MilkyWay is? it's a crumb. It's like a tiny breadcrumb. And you know what is even sadder than a grown woman cutting off deliberately a breadcrumb size MilkyWay? The fact that I don't even like MilkyWay.

So you know what is the first rule of WeightWatcher? Tricking the app. It's like a game of cat and mouse. Or actually a contest to see who can annoy the other more. One piece of bread is 1 point. 2 pieces are 3 points. The app won. But if you want those two pieces and don't want to "pay" more points for spreading them, use 3g of butter on the first, and 3 of soft cheese on the other - 0 points. You win.
Want more than one biscuit to go with your afternoon coffee? Just eat two different ones. why? Because biscuits (WeightWatchers one) are 2 points each. But, if you eat 2 of the same kind, it's 5 points and not 4. So you just eat 2 different ones, and viola! 4 points. Take that app!
Yes, diets make you into a liar, and also somewhat of a crazy person. It's the embracing the crazy that's important.
Maybe that should be the first rule of any diet - embrace the crazy. Diets, after all are filled with ups and down, lows and highs, good days and bad days. I tell you what it is not filled with - easy days. In no day do you go around saying, hey! I did not notice that I ate meals the size of a pea, or that I just finished my fourth day in a row of exercising, or that I am so filled with fruits I am starting to resemble a pineapple. You would think that week 3 would be easier for me, after all I've finished the "cleanse" stage, I've established the exercise, I have discovered how to beat the app at its own game. But the truth is it has been the toughest week yet.
And not even because of the diet. It's the post. I am not a friend of my mailbox on the best of times, it glares at me every time I leave the house and I feel compelled to check what's inside every time I pass it. Every single time. It means on the way out and on the way back in. I check my mailbox about 8 times a day. In return it has never brought me anything but grief. Actually, that is not completely true, I got one birthday card and one Christmas card last year. This week however it brought me 10 letters about Yon. 10 letters with appointments, groups, benefits, referrals, advice... Every day there were 2 new letters. 2 new disability related problems to deal with. 2 new pieces of paper I have no idea what to do with.  When you have a Special child you get used to the doctors, the appointments, the endless need to keep one eye open. But because Yon's condition is static, because we are doing everything through the school and the hospital and apparently because our case "got lost somewhere" we don't usually get too many letters, and we never get any letters we don't know about in advance and are prepared for. And even then I have to admit I don't react well. 10 letters I wasn't expecting, one phone call and a chat in school amounts to the kind of pressure that usually can only be solved in one way - food. Oh, who am I kidding. Chocolate.
Trying to solve this letter crisis without resorting to food led to no sleep which contributed to general annoyance and bitchiness.
So on Tuesday, after the fifth letter came in the post, telling me to expect a phone call from someone at the council regarding our benefits entitlement (I had no idea we had any benefit entitlement. I still don't think we have any), I felt I can't take it anymore.
I ordered a pizza. A large vegetarian Papa John's pizza. Just for me.
This week I ate 3 MilkyWays, half a jar of Dulce de Leche and a whole pizza.
So I did the only thing possible. I got a haircut, because what does it matter where the weight comes off from? But as it turns out, hair doesn't weigh very much, even after you've neglected it for about 4 months. Not even a hundred grams.

So I employed a personal keeper. You know how people with eating issues never eat in public? Well, that's me. If there is someone around I am the model of good eating habits, but leave me in the house alone? That is where my true colours are revealed. But I have a secret weapon - Ron. He likes numbers, and patterns, and calculations, and feeling like he is in charge. And every day from the moment I pick him up from school, he's been checking me - how many points is that? and this? How many do you have left? why aren't you eating this? why are you eating that?

Darn that need to communicate with my children and looking at everything as a teachable moment for life.
This week's diet lesson - must learn how to lie to kids.

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Losing the Hebrew

My boys are losing their Hebrew. I guess it was only to be expected, after all Ron has been four when we left Israel, and Yon was five months old. They have both passed the "most of their life" point and can now safely say they have lived in English speaking countries far longer than in Israel. To be honest I don't think I really noticed it, after all I sometimes feel Hidai and I are losing our Hebrew too. It is becoming so much easier to talk about work, blog, school in English. More than that, it makes more sense, after all life is being lived in English.
It was never our intention to lose the Hebrew. We really tried to keep it alive. To tell you the truth the first couple of years it felt weird talking out loud in English. You always feel like you are making one mistake after the other, you forget all the lovely words and expressions you know and are left with the same English a ten years old has, and that is on the good days. And the accent, don't get me started on the accent. I still feel my accent is a weird combination of idiotic and Russian. And when you feel like that, why would you want to volunteer putting yourself through it? Add to that the fact that our vocabulary in Hebrew was bigger and more profound (not like a ten years old), the fact that it is part of our identity, what comes out naturally when we open our mouths, and the feeling of utter betrayal.
A language is so much more than just words, and when you move to a new country it is sometimes your last connection to the place you left behind, where you felt you belong, where you felt you are understood. Where you never felt like a ten years old.

But the years go by, the kids get older and your "keeping the Hebrew" resolve begins to crack. The kids go to nursery or school and you find that when you tell them to tidy up in Hebrew they look at you and smirk but when you say it in English they actually do it, because it's like in nursery. You find them talking amongst themselves in English, you feel like an idiot walking around the supermarket with a list written in Hebrew to buy in English, you need to talk about something that happened at work but it's only funny in English, and so you find that the English has breached your defences and is in your house. It happens so slowly, so gradually, that the first time you say "oh, how do you say that in Hebrew?" you don't even notice it. That's when you start mixing and get used to talking in what can only be described as utter Gibberish to anyone listening from the outside. And still you don't really notice it, because how am I supposed to remember what shoes are called in the mornings before I've had my coffee?
Then another year or so goes by and the kids are embarrassed when you talk Hebrew next to their friends, so you start talking to them in English when you pick them up from school, or when you help them with homework because they have to understand it in English and besides they don't know what you mean when you say weird Hebrew words. And when you talk with people in Israel they use slang and references and words you've never heard of because your Hebrew got stuck somewhere around 2009, and one day you find yourself saying something about how much easier it is to write an email in English.
And still you don't notice it, until one day your parents come for a visit and say "Orli, did you notice that the boys answer more in English when we talk to them?" "No. Of course they don't. You are getting senile. And your hearing is bad". But then you start listening and you notice that it is true.
Then comes the day when you have to face the fact that there is no more room in the house, and if you want the boys to have somewhere to put all those Christmas gifts you need to clear some space, and your the corner of your eye catches those hundred books in Hebrew you bought for them over the years and you realise that they are there so you would feel better, that you would feel like there is some chance that someone will read them.

Books for sale

Then. When you take out all those unopened books and put them in bags. Then it hits you, we've lost the fight. A fight we didn't even know we were fighting. Because it is not the fight for the Hebrew we've lost, it's the fight for a shared past. That is the moment you realise how much we take for granted the invisible chord connecting the generations through songs and stories and school and TV. How much we rely on it when we want to create shared history, traditions, a family.
Even when you know it in your head, even when you can rationalise the decisions (It will be enough of a challenge teaching Yon to read English with his eyes, we won't even try with the Hebrew), even when you know that understanding the language is more important than talking, or reading and that writing is last in that sequence, even then it still knock the air out of your lungs. Even then you still feel a little piece of your heart breaking.
We gave away all the books, and DVD's. We tell them to answer in whatever language they want, and find we talk to them more and more in English. Because when you stop and think about it, the thing we want most is a connection with our kids. All the history, traditions, and invisible chords won't be worth it if my kids won't feel they can talk to me. In whatever language they choose.

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