Asperger

They lead us into a bright room and invite us to sit on uncomfortable chairs arranged in a circle so it's not so formal, after all we're here to "chat", and it all feels so surreal. They look at us, and start scribbling. What are they writing? There are three of them, who do I look at? Why is it so bright in here?
Do they think a bright light makes getting bad news easier?
They are all polite, and kind, and talk to us in that voice that makes me feel like they think I'm an idiot. And they all keep looking at us and writing.
Is this a test to see how we react? How does one reacts?
How are you supposed to react when they tell you "and this is why we think JonJon is on the spectrum, and has Asperger"? What is the right way to react?
We argued with them.

Typical Yon

This is what it all came down to - five years of wondering, a year and two months of waiting for the assessment and finally five meetings in the last four weeks - those three little words. Yon has Asperger.
Because having Ocular Albinism and being partially blind isn't enough.
So we told them they are wrong. He has "blindism" which is due to the fact that blind (or partially blind) people have some traits that you also find in people with autism. Besides, it is a known fact, we told them, that everyone is on the spectrum and that there is a tendency today to over-diagnose. And lastly we told them he is getting better - a year ago he was so much worse, so if he has gotten so much better in the span of a year, maybe this time next year he'll be even better, maybe next year he will be "normal".

On the way to the last assessment

We came into that bright room prepared to hear he is on the spectrum, and we came prepared to fight it tooth and nails. We were ready for this argument, after all we have the winning card - Yon's vision. How much do we really know about what goes on in the head of a five years old who is partially blind? How much does any of us really knows about blindism? not much, which is why you can feel comfortable in saying that it affects most areas of his life - food issues, routine issues, gross and fine motor skills, inability to stand in the queue, needing to explain everything that is going to happen in great details, noise and touch issues, and trust me I can go on. But then there are the things you can't explain with his vision, those same things that got us to that assessment room in the first place, those things that made us look at him and wonder. No amount of trying could make us relate his communication problems, his social issues or some of his behaviours to his vision. Believe me, we've tried. And then there are the things we didn't even know were a problem - his ability to do the same activity for hours, his tendency to quote word for word movie scenes, his playing imaginary games with himself but not with others, to name just a few.

During the assessment

They never argued with us, they nodded and said "of course, you are right" to everything we said. They just kept on going, listing more and more things that Yon does, things they saw and things we and his teacher said, and with every thing they said we nodded and said yes. With every thing they said our arguments got weaker, the room became brighter, and our hearts became heavier, it weighs a ton, that one word - Asperger.
It wasn't that it came out of nowhere, that we were blindsided, it wasn't like that word just "fell" on us without being prepared. In the last year and a half we've made so many changes in our family-life to fit it to Yon, we didn't even notice how much we accommodate Yon's needs until they actually said that there is nothing else they can suggest we improve. No, it wasn't the shock or the "how did we not see that" or even that it took more than a year to get to the final and official diagnosis.
We needed that time to come to grips with the albinism, we used that time to make so many changes and improvements to his life and ours, we were ready for it now, which was not the case last year.
And yet it weighs a ton. All of this somehow makes it worse. We hoped, really really hoped that all the improvements and growing up Yon made meant we've tipped the scale and he will be on the other side of the border, because yes, while it is true that we are all on the spectrum there is still a line, a border that devices those who get the diagnosis and those who don't. Oh, how we wanted him to "just" be weird & eccentric.

It is not the shock of hearing something you didn't think you'd hear, it's the finality of hearing the words out loud. 
It is the fact that it is no longer "YonYonism", it's Autism. It is that I still feel like I did last April when we started down this road - I blame myself. It might be stupid, but these are our genes that are causing this, all of this. We are the reason that he starts life at a disadvantage, that he will have to fight more, overcome more, be Special. We are the ones that are supposed to give our kids the best start to life, the best options and opportunities. We are supposed to protect our kids from all bad things. We failed him. Twice.And it is that there is just something so darn sad about this last official stamp.