Lemon Tree

A couple of weeks ago I started writing this post about what happened in our lives over the half-term and Halloween and how everything is going kinda fine.
And then something weird happened - in about three days it became really really clear that everything is a lot of things, but fine is definitely NOT one of them.
You know the whole "when life gives you lemons...", "everything's for the best", "what doesn't kill you..." and the classic "you only gets trials you are strong enough to triumph" and all that cr^&%$p? I know them all by heart. They are what I teach the kids, what I tell myself when things are not going as planned and all. I found myself saying them a lot last year. And more than that, I believe in them. But fuck it, sometimes it seems like life are just out to throw more and more crap at you, and every time you feel you conquered the hurdles and are finally moving forward, Bam. You get a fresh batch.
The last year wasn't easy on us. In fact, to tell the truth, it was hard as hell. It left us with so many scars. Licking so many wounds, financial ones and emotional ones. Some years are like that, but London was supposed to be our healing place. It was (and still is) supposed to give us the peace and quite we so need right now, to be a happy place for the kids, a place for growth. But starting over is always so hard, and starting with so much baggage is bound to be even harder. The thing is, knowing it's going to be hard and actually dealing with the hardship are two very different things, and they intensify by the layers of anxieties, uncertainties and fears we managed to accumulate over the last year.
So it seems that that though we knew everything will take time and won't go smoothly, it's harder and more difficult than we thought.

This time it started with a back pain. Which led to me being bed-ridden for almost a week (unprecedented), and to Hidai working from home and being in-charge of kids and all. And then the minute I could finally move again without the horrible pain and the even more horrible side effect of the pain-killers, Yon got the flu. It's such a small thing - flu, and Yon had it lightly and for only about 24 hours, but it started a chain of events, with Ron being the second to be ill. Ron never ever gets sick. He has Hidai's immune system, and he hasn't been really sick for years. He usually miss up to 1 day of school for being sick... He did not take well to being sick and wanted to go to school, so he was miserable at home and tended to not say when he was feeling worse because he was afraid we won't let him go to school, and because he was really sick we had to keep Yon at home also because there was no one to pick him up from school. Ron was on-off from school for a week, until he finally felt better on Sunday (day before yesterday). Kids being sick automatically leads to me being sick, so that happened from around Wednesday, and then unexpectedly (never ever happens) Hidai caught it too (mildly but still) which did not help the mood or the getting back to normal thing.
And then, because he was considered healthy enough, Yon got a vaccination shot (2 actually) to get him up to date on his vaccination. Of course he had a fever that night. We still have to go through the same thing with Ron this week, because he is missing one shot. One of the perks of moving countries - the vaccinations are ALWAYS different.

If that's not enough, because of course it's not, it never is, we gained weight. Somehow in the midst of all the baking craze and sickness, we gained about 2 kg each (4.5 pounds) and more important than that, we got used to eating such crazy amounts of sweets and baked goods that did not bode well with the fact that December (also known as the eating month) is upon us. So Weight Watchers here we come! (well, actually it's just me. Hidai doesn't have to do anything to lose weight. Nobody loves him) We started the new regim a week and 2 days ago (but who's counting?), and it's been, as usual, hell on earth. Don't get me wrong, Weight Watchers works, if you eat according to the points system you lose weight and still enjoy eating moderate (okay small) portions of everything (except veg and fruit. you find yourself eating unmoderated quantities of those). I know, because I've been there, and it did work, and really, it's not the food, or the unimaginable amounts of fruit & veg. I'm fine with all of those. Don't care. I am a vegetarian, and I actually don't really eat a lot anyway. But the sweets. and the Chocolate. And the baking. It's killing me. I am addicted to the chocolate and sugar. Believe me, I'm not using that word lightly. I am addicted. nowadays they are responsible for around 75% of my daily nutrition, and like all junkies, I need increasing amounts of them to get my fix. So I need the diet mostly to get back to being able to eat one cube of chocolate, or 13 M&M's a day, as opposed to the whole damm pack. And that is why the first week is also, for me, the week with nothing sweet and especially chocolate. I actually always try to go for 2 weeks, but never succeed. It is a week of withdrawal, and I actually get the headaches, dizziness, nausea and depression associated with it. This week started better, but I am still not where I want to be in terms of chocolate-craving.

Then the war in Israel started, and sent us in to a constant state of worry. And dragged up some memories we would have preferred to keep buried from our last war and our way of life in Israel. It's crazy what you take with you from a childhood like ours. Things and ways of life that we considered as normal, are in fact not considered normal anywhere else in the world... I have no intention to write my political views or what I think of this latest war. It doesn't really matter and anyway I don't believe I have a right to express any opinion. I don't live in Israel anymore (wars being a big part of the reason why), and as someone who chose not to live there I am not entitled to an opinion that sends other people to die (being that in the war or in the constant firing from Gaza). I don't think I'm entitled to an opinion about anything that goes on in Israel. I find it infuriating when people, from the comfort of their New York home, tell the whole world what they think should be done, and as it usually fight, send other people and other people's kids to die so they could keep on working in the New York Hi-Tech industry. I do think I can have my memories about living in Israel and my personal opinion about life as I remember them there. Nothing new though (and no. We are not going to vote these coming elections. For the same reasons). It's just that damn worry. And the news. It only takes a minute to make you a news junky again, reading, watching, listening to everything you can get your hands on. And then we had to explain it to Ron, about wars, and missiles, and the Arab-Jew situation. He is so removed from it all, he doesn't remember wars, or the sirens, he doesn't have the fear, or the knowledge a boy his age has in Israel about the situation there. I deferred the question to hidai who explained about Israel being a coveted place, Jewish and Palestinians not sharing and the lack of a grown-up to take charge of the situation. And then we had to assure him nobody we know died. And that the muslim kids in his class are not related to any of this. And then we sent him to school hoping we were right... Not our proudest moment as parents.

Then on Friday we ran out of money. I guess it's not as bad as it sounds now, but for around 24 hours from midday Friday it was. We had some unpleasant inconsistency with this month paycheque that we were not expecting and did not catch until it was too late and the guy from Sainsbury called to say that the card is refused. Fun times. It's fine now (how is it fine? I don't know. It's just is), we took the money from the last of our dwindling reserves, and sat down for a serious "this is our budget. let's stick to it" conversation. It did not go well. Budgets sucks. There. I said it. nobody likes to live according to a tight budget. And before Christmas. Sucks.
It's not that we weren't aware of our whole situation. We knew very well we will need time to recover from last year and all it entailed, and the move here (so so so expansive to start anew. Just the restocking of the kitchen is a small fortune). But we were intending to start on January. not to ruin Hannuka and Christmas, which we won't be able to save all of now. Sucks. So we went for a second budget conversation, which went better, downloaded an app (Toshl) for budget control, managed to save some of Christmas (not Hannuka though...), made some cuts, and started a new budgety year a month and a half in advance. Like I said - sucks.
And then we had to explain some of it to Ron, who apparently hears everything and assign the meanings for himself. We explained about the mistake at work, and that we needed to find a solution and that we got upset, but that of course we found one, everything is fine, and he doesn't need to worry. Not a great moment. And of course he does worry.

Which led us to Monday, where the cleaning lady who was supposed to come for the last time came late, left early and cleaned worse than Yon, Ron was very distracted in Football and cried twice, the grocery shopping I re-ordered again did not arrive (not really clear as to why), Hidai had to stay late at work, and then we got a note saying there is a package/letter waiting at the concierge. The kids refused to go with me, so I decided not to fight them but in my mind, and in accordance with the way things are going I just knew it was a formal letter revoking our right to live in the UK.
Hidai picked it up at 10 p.m when he got home.
It was the movie Narnia I ordered for Ron for Christmas.